Some plans in store for 2010?!!!....

Hmm...I'm a little reluctant to say anything because there have been many times that I have decided to do something and I have great intentions but it takes me like 2-3 years to actually follow through. Let's say this blog for example, I decided I wanted to do it, gosh, 2 years ago and I just started it this past summer. See, I'm bad.

But this time, I really want to do this!!! I really want to get a start on something and make it so that when my kids start school I can still stay busy and work for myself, make/have my own schedule. Have summers off when I want, off for the holidays...plan a schedule for myself, do things when I want to do them...plan my own life, not let some corporate business run my life or the state, whoever I work for. I want to do it myself!!

Now, I'm not going to set some crazy time line for myself that I know will stress me out to do it. I am not going to set myself up for failure or for overwhelming myself with too much to do...a little at a time. That's how I am going to do it. Not put too much on myself. I have to remember what my life is like, how crazy my life can be. I need to be able to take some time off when I need to.

Ok, so here it is, I am going to start blogging my creativity. I am going to blog everything I create...or at least most of what I create. I did awful this Christmas, I took no pictures. NONE! And I created A LOT!! Be ashamed (saying this to myself!)

Let's see, I painted about 20 ornaments, made yo yo's for many things-shirts, headbands, I even created a really pretty picture out of my Popaw's neckties for my cousin Laura and another cousin's son...I even helped decorate my cousin, Deanna's, house for a Christmas party...I did a ton of work!! AND DOCUMENTED NONE OF IT!! Gosh, I could beat myself.

You see, I got this really nice professional Cannon camera so that I could take good pictures of the things that I created so that I could display my creativity! And have I done it yet? NO!!!

I need to clean my house, get organized for the new year and make a new start for myself. Start trying to document my creativity so that when my kids are ready for school and I am ready for my own business, when I can actually do it. I feel like if I don't exactly call it my business right now, I can pick and choose my jobs so that I don't bombard myself with too many projects. I hate to give people the wrong impression of what I am doing right now. Because right now, I am a mom... two year old twins who I stay home with, plus a 5 year old in kindergarten who I have to keep a schedule for and if I don't, well, let's just say, I need to!...and that, is what is most important to me right now!

Hopefully, I keep things sort of rolling, get myself out there and advertise a little here and there, maybe, just maybe, I'll make a name for myself!!! Gosh, I would love to spend the rest of my life being a wife, mom, and artist!!!

So, there's my new years resolution...nothing huge, right? Just a blog...just documenting my skills!!! and my life along the way!! I need to become more techy anyway, and this just might be the way to do it! Learn to blog!! and post pictures!!

Later everyone! Happy New Year!!!

"...7, 8, 9, 10...ready or not, here I come..."

"Patience, where are you?"... (Preston plays a lot of hide and go seek with our kids...it's fresh on the brain right now.)

Man, you would think after 2 years and 7 months (how long it's been since our lives changed...that was when we found out that we were having twins!) of learning what patience is and because of life experiences, you would think I have learned...or at least I would know where to find it!!! But still, I find that my patience are wearing thin...what is it that I am suppose to be doing with my life, or am I doing it and just not doing it to the potential that I am suppose to be in order to feel fulfillment from it.

I find myself looking on the internet, aimlessly looking for something, I don't even know what. I find myself checking my email, checking facebook, looking stupid things up online and poor google doesn't even know where to find it...it's crazy!!! I'm crazy!! I don't even know what I am expecting to find in my emails or on facebook, but I can't stay off of either of them for an entire day unless it's a weekend or I have a lot going on and I'm not near a computer. It is crazy! I can't even exactly explain it. What AM I looking for?

I often find myself being on this crazy schedule...Will and Ruby can sleep until 9:00, which gives me time to get mess done in the mornings which is usually wasted by being on here! I need to direct my anxiety somewhere.

I am doing some volunteer work and trying to get more involved in this church that we just visited. It's crazy too, because we have always taken our church involvement slow in case we don't like the church after all...but for some reason, I decided that we are going to jump right in there and get involved from the start. I found out that they preach the bible, and that's all I need to know...plus they have good children's programs...those things are important to me! I pray that this is the right thing to do. It's so unlike us. But I think this is a door that God has presented and I am going to run in it before it closes!! Maybe I'll find my patience there. :) or at least be reintroduced to patience again. I'll learn again to wait and find the faith that God has shown me that is so worth keeping and holding on to.

I have been taught these lessons of patience and faith over and over...and one of these days I am going to get it. I KNOW that it is worth being patient to see what it is that God has in store for me...I've seen it happen, I've seen patience play out in an awesome way. I KNOW that everything is in God's plan and I need to follow His will and walk through the doors that He presents to me.

Now, to know what door to walk through...and when to walk through it!...Although, I guess when I see the door, that's when I should walk through it. I just need to pray for the door, the right door(s)! And pray that I walk through the right doors to lead me to the ONE that I'm waiting for, if that should be the case! The one that will make me feel fulfilled...and until then, I need to keep counting and searching until I find it. And pray to find my patience again! Because I know God has something awesome He is preparing me for and I can't wait to find it...the only thing is that I need to wait! ;)

Just a few questions for myself...

I have really been struggling with myself. Here are some questions I ask myself...not numbered by importance, only how they entered my mind while typing this out:

1-Am I at my full potential? myself as a wife first, mom second, family member third, and friend. I need to learn to be myself...and that's it. Be who God has made me to be and allow Him to mold me that way. I sort of want to make this my prayer for the rest of the year. And maybe after a year I'll be myself and close to my full potential! And forget about what others think or how they might view me, or who I think they think I should be. (Does that even make sense? Well, it does in my head!)

I have been having a hard time dealing with what it is that I am suppose to do.

2-Am I missing out on something by not taking my kids out in public more often? Am I missing out on something by not sacrificing our budget a little to put them in a mother's morning out program? Or am I doing right by keeping them home with me? I mean, Will and Ruby hardly ever fight, they don't know to bite someone, they are sweet hearted little people and I think part of it is because they don't know to act any other way. Those thoughts haven't been introduced to them yet. And, it's not like my kids can't function in public, or be left with someone else...so I'll leave that one alone for now...I'll not waste time contemplating that one any longer. I feel pretty good about it.

3-Am I missing out on something by not being able to do more things with my friends? Well, I might leave that alone too since it is more of a conflict of time and sometimes interests. It is hard for me to do things with them since our schedules conflict often. I have a better chance to go out during the evening hours and not morning. It doesn't interest me to take my kids to a restaurant and pay for food when I don't even get to enjoy it. I can enjoy my own food here in my home for a lot cheaper and if my kids choose to not eat their food, it's not nearly as much money down the drain. So, I think I'll not ponder that one any more either. Even though, I often feel left out since I can't ever really be a part of their group (look, I don't even call it "my" group because I really am starting to not feel part of it,) I think I am starting to get use to it, and starting to accept it better than I used to. Maybe that is how God is fixing me, preparing me for my next step...molding me in to the woman who I need to be, maybe even who I need to be surrounded by. Or maybe just right now, I need separation from them for some reason. Because I really do love these girls, but it's just not really working out for me to hang out with them. It saddens me, but that's life too.

4-Am I a good wife? I think that can only be answered by Preston. But to me, I think I'm pretty sorry. I sort of don't like all of the duties that are involved. And not as far as being a wife to Preston, but I don't like the "house"wife part of the job. I am awful at cleaning and keeping clean and laundry and washing dishes. I just don't like that part. As far as being a partner to my husband, I LOVE it! Now, am I good at it, that's what you have to ask him. Am I at my full potential, pretty sure I'm not there yet. But I know this much, I love him more than anything and I am SO thankful that God gave me him...that He made Preston just for me!!! I can honestly tell you that I LOVE him with all of my heart. He is my partner in this crazy life and I'm so glad that he is willing to take this journey along beside me! He's my soul mate.

5-Am I a good mom? Probably not at my full potential there either. I want to be, but there are times I just get tired of it. Isn't that awful? Well, it makes me feel bad. I want to be a better mom, but shouldn't we all want to strive to be better at everything we do.

I mean, as an artist, I know that my artwork is never really finished. There is always something else to add or take it a step further...I should ask someone else their opinion of it, take advice from a professional artist and allow it to sink in...it's never finished. I think that's why I'm never really satisfied with my work. You just have to be done with your artwork at some point. And at the end of every day, I am done with my job of being a mom. Tomorrow is a new canvas. Just like my artwork, when I finish it, I have to be done and feel good about it, but at the same time I can look at it and get feed back from others and take that advice and use it for the next piece of artwork. And that's how I should view my day to day job of being a mom, at the end of the day I should reflect on it and decide if there is anything I could have handled different or look at it and know, that was a good day. And seek the help and advice of other moms who can help me be better or handle situations differently so that the next time, I can hope to get it right or handle it better.

I feel that every day is a learning experience. Especially with Jessie, my oldest. I've never been a mom of a 5 year old, and well, with twins, I've never dealt with two at the same age both different genders before. I guess I can be ok with not feeling like I am the best mom, because every day is new and every day brings on it's new challenges and excitements. So, I'm going to leave that one alone. I am doing my best and I tried to follow God's will and teachings in how to be a parent. Do I do it all the time? No, I'm quite sure I let Him down a lot...but I do try. So, as far as this question goes...I'm fine with having it. I think every mom should wonder this. I think it's what keeps us trying to be/do better.

6-Am I good daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, and granddaughter, and even family member in general? Gosh, I'd hate to hear the answer to this question. I try, I really do. But all of these things, plus mom and wife, and friend...I know I let someone down. I feel like recently, it's been sister, sister-in-law, and granddaughter that I am lacking in doing a good job. I really need to do better at all of these duties.

As far as a daughter, I'm not sure that I am being as good of a daughter to these two sets of parents that we have as they are being good parents to us. I am one blessed girl when it comes to having parents who love and take care of me. I don't deserve their love, generosity, and grace. But as I am aware, I am their kid and you can't help but love them no matter what they throw your way. I love my parents and Preston's and I do my best to show them...but life gets in the way sometimes, and causes me to not show them how I really feel. I often take them all for granted. I'm just thankful that they love me so much.

I am truly blessed...and it goes the same with my grandparents and sisters, I am very blessed. I know that all of these people LOVE me a whole lot. And I'll leave that one alone too...I can't really judge myself on this one...I can only say, I should strive to be better at all of these duties!!


So, I guess what I have learned from all of this typing and random thinking is that at the end of the day, it's over. I need to reflect on it, and I need to work on it to make it better for tomorrow. My learning experience as a person is never learned, it is always and will always be a learning experience. A work in progress. And where I am going to fail is when I think I have mastered it, when I quit asking myself these questions, when I quit wondering if I am a good person and at my full potential...that's when I will quit trying. I will from now on, take my lessons and build off of them for tomorrow.

YAY! I have life figured out! :) Just kidding...

I think I got it...Beamer or Beater..."Ah ha"...

Below, in italics, is a message that I sent a good friend of mine today concerning Ezra Matthews and what his story has meant to me, anything bold and in brackets is added to this post. Poor girl had to read this ... or not, but I just had to get my thoughts out...this to me, was worth recording.

I love "Ah ha" moments. Moments when God reveals stuff to me. Stuff that maybe once upon a time I took for granted...stuff such as loving my brother and sister in Christ, which is EVERYONE!! pretty sure I have not always completely and whole heartedly done this.

I will hopefully place what I have learned and experienced way down deep in my heart so that it doesn't leave, but not so far that it is hidden. I pray that I become more like Jesus, the sinless, loving and caring of all people Jesus (not that I can be sinless, but for me to understand that Jesus sought his Father's will, for me to respect that I need to push toward that and not take for granted what it is and the way that Jesus loved people.) And I believe that this story has help me get a little closer, and even more clearer idea of what it is that I need to be pushing toward...

Hey girl! (this is long, sorry! but I think it's good...read it when you have time to sit and read.)

I am still pretty tore up over this whole deal. Just heart breaking. I read the dad's website last night before I went to bed... http://thematthewsstory.com/2010/11/14/interim/ I boohoo-ed envisioning a dad crying over the body of his lifeless child...having to bury him...having to let go forever until you die. I couldn't even begin to imagine what that feeling would be like...it makes me cry even now. I hope I never have to know.

I had a sweet weekend this weekend of celebrating lives...2 birthday parties and a baby shower...how appropriate after the week of literally mourning a little boy's death that I don't even know [And really to say mourning his death, is probably not accurate, it's more like mourning his parent's loss...I mean, Ezra won with the best reward ever...no more pain, suffering, sin, he is perfect and in a perfect place. I don't think our human minds can really imagine what perfect is. So, I'm not mourning for Ezra, I'm mourning for his parents' loss.] It's amazing what blogging can do, how attached I have gotten to a little boy I don't know through his dad's thoughts. [But I am seeing that it is because I do have that love that I speak about for others. It is because I do care for others and love everyone why I care for this family so deeply. But I need to quit looking for those who I can have something in common with to show this type of love to. I need to open my eyes to a wounded world of hurt in so many different ways, not only imagining what it would be like to lose a child, because I can imagine how badly that would hurt since I am a mom. I also need to learn to rejoice with others, truly, whole heartedly rejoice when they are rejoicing. I need to learn to sing praise as well as love for those who are hurting...I have a lot to learn!]

Anyway, I feel like God has really been messing in my life lately...I love it when I get answers from my prayers...those sort of "Ah ha" moments...I got one in the shower last night...that's about the only time I truly get all by myself, I take long showers and spend that time really talking to God...just He and me...

Last night while I was showering...I sort of played everything back in my mind from Oct. 21 when I found out about Ezra and cried (glad Preston was already asleep by the time I got in the bed, he would wonder what was wrong and it was too long of a story to start then)...I remembered praying at times, literally on my knees, for this little guy. I wanted SO bad for him to be a miracle that I could experience. I wanted him to be the miracle that I haven't really experienced (I know I shouldn't tell God in a way of expecting, but I have to admit I pleaded with Him to heal little Ezra... for his parents' sake really, now that I think about it.)

So, ever since Ezra died, I have realized that he wasn't going to be the miracle that I would get to experience...because I truly believe in God's miracles of healing still today...not touch someone's forehead and be healed...but I believe He still heals people miraculously. I just want to see it, sort of affirm what I believe...you know, I hear about it happening all over the world and I never really experience it first hand, even though Ezra isn't exactly first hand, but I've gotten so attached it felt like it. And cancer sucks so bad, why shouldn't this little guy be the one to be miraculously healed?

I have continued to pray...it was such perfect timing and I even believe that God had you send me that song so that I would read 2 Samuel, the story of King David when his son died how he had been mourning and pleading with God, once his son was dead, he picked himself up and worshipped and even later went on to write a song...it's just a beautiful story and it continues to give me chill bumps.

But it sort of helped me realize how ever incredibly sad the situation is, you still have to go on and truly worship God, because He is so worthy...and obviously healing Ezra was not His plan...there are just some things we don't understand, but it is God's plan. (So, I had to tell myself, "get over Deedie! Praise God anyway!"...not that I was angry, just disappointed and so sad/heart broken for his parents. I just can't imagine not ever getting to see one of my kids EVER again as long as I was here on earth, not to mention how sweet that little boy looked...he looked like he loved life even though he only really knew in and out of hospitals, that's all he ever experienced life to be.) [What an awesome testimony for a 2 year old to share!]

Anyway, my "Ah ha" moment in the shower last night...(I may leave the shower part out of my story when I blog this...some people may not read that right or might read a little too much in to it)...I was thinking back on my day that I had just spent...it was a fun day of literally celebrating a life (birthday) and a life that is about to start (baby shower.) But while I was at the birthday party I reconnected with a lady who is probably about 10 years older than us, she has three children and her daughter was at the party. She is actually married to my mom's counsin's son (so he is my mom's second cousin, my third.) I've really never gotten the opportunity to speak with her before...we know each other, but she didn't even know how many kids I have, that's how little we really know one another.

Anyway, we were talking, I knew her husband is sick with a really rare cancer...terminal, there's literally nothing the doctors can do except for chemo over and over and he can never be in remission even...the chemo would be only for keeping the cancer under control from taking over his entire body...so until his body gives up, he would continuously be poisoning his body and never again live a normal life. He wasn't given long at all to live once they found it...it was really sad, I can remember my mom telling me about it...and he has 3 children, his youngest was 2 when they found out...sweet family...and that broke my heart then.

So, as I was sitting there talking to her, I asked her about him. I asked how he was doing. I can remember going to my great uncle's (his grandpa) funeral last year and seeing him and thinking, "I thought this guy was supposedly dying?" I remember him standing up shaking my hand and thinking "Man, he looks good for a dying man...shoot, he looks good for a really healthy man."

I told her what I had thought when I saw him last year. I asked about him and whether or not he was cured...She said "no" and proceeded to tell about how he has gotten it under control...his diet (he has been juicing carrots and eating a 90% raw veggies diet, vitamins, no sugar, no caffeine) and now has very low cancer detection in his body...absolutely NO chemo or drugs. And this is 5 years later after they told him he had very little time to live. (but I must add, that he did try chemo and even had a stemcell transplant like Ezra did, and decided that the drugs made him feel so bad that he didn't want his kids to remember him that way, sick all the time, so he decided to go other routes and go off of the drugs. Since he had a terminal cancer, if he was going to die anyway, he just wanted his kids to not remember him the way the chemo made him feel.) [and might I add, I'm not saying that everyone should do this...give up on cancer and eat a raw veggie diet and that will cure you...I don't believe that at all...I believe that it works for him, but not everyone. There is a reason God has blessed our world with doctors, and education, and research. For him, it worked and seems to be the best thing for him...but I couldn't and he wouldn't say that it is for everyone. He also visits a nutritionist to help keep his body balanced. So, no, I am not saying that this is the way everyone should treat cancer and if you don't you're crazy or if you do, you're crazy.]

It is a sweet story!! Like I said, he still has cancer, but almost untraceable, and he only goes to the oncologist once a year now. Isn't that incredible.

That was my "Ah ha" moment...he was the miracle that I had been waiting for. He has three kids, and they still have a dad who can run and play with them and love on them. Isn't that a blessing!...a miracle!!

And it was sweet, she told me that when they were on a shuttle from the parking lot to take them up to the doors of hospital in Texas [this is where he received the stemcell transplant] they were riding with some really sick people...and several of them were kids...she said they had to hold back the tears and later they talked about it...how if it had to be them or their kids, how they are so glad it is them/him...and she went on to say how her husband would really take all the suffering for all of them (her, and all three kids.) He wouldn't want it any other way. Isn't that sweet.

That comment even led me to another "ah ha" moment...if that is how a father feels about his family (of which I'm sure both of our own husbands would want it that way also)...just imagine how much God loves us!! you, me!! EVERYONE!!! I will forever love to ponder that thought...because I believe what we experience here on earth is just a tiny glimpse of how much God loves us! How much God love EVERYONE of us in the entire world!!!

And then one more "Ah ha" moment...if I know God loves me that much and I know He loves ALL of His creation that way...then I should LOVE everyone else the same way as I love and care for my family...do I want them to live with me? No way! But I should care for everyone the same. I think that is what Kyle was trying to say to us about the "global level" of love/care...can't remember exactly his wording. But I think that is what he was saying. Believers or not, clean or dirty, mean or nice, murderer or not, poor or rich, [drive a beater or beamer, sweet or mean, loving or not,] we should all love and care for one another...we are ALL brothers and sisters in Christ! Truly try to be like Jesus...I believe if Jesus were here, he'd be hanging out at the bars and clubs...he wouldn't be hanging out all the time at church...he would go to church to worship his Father together with his friends [and that is what church should be like, lift one another up, prepare ourselves and pump ourselves up about sharing Jesus with those who are lost, prepare us to learn how to share Jesus with them.]

Isn't that sweet! I just wanted to write it out to you, what I have gotten from all of this...it literally took me an hour to get all of this down...sorry, hopefully it doesn't take you that long to read it!

Please, feel free to share with me what you have gotten from it, I'd love to read it!! I do have a new outlook on life...and I've gotten a lot of confirmation in what I have already believed...it's sort of been good that I haven't been wrapped up in some bible study right now, because I have really allowed myself to be open to this situation and all that God has to show me through it. It's been sweet time with God lately. I hope your experience has been sweet also.

Talk to you later! And I do still want to get in on a bible study. Yesterday we visited Lake Forrest...oh my goodness, I LOVED it. If I hear of a bible study there, I'll let you know. It seems to be an amazing church with a lot of outreach.

Later gator! :)

I believe all of that is what I got out of this! Isn't it sweet?!!!

I don't want you to think that before this experience I used to not love everyone...this experience has just shown me how IMPORTANT it is to show this outloud...yes, I meant "show outloud!" because, I don't always show it so surely,... I mean it,... and sometimes don't show it or share it. From now on, I'm honest with people my true feelings and love for them. I'll not hold back, because what if the love and care that I show someone is the only love and care that they receive for that day. I sometimes hold back with the thought that person doesn't know me, they are going to think I'm being fake...but who cares. I don't care any more. And now, even more than ever, I am seeing how important it is to forgive and forget, love them!! My life I hope and pray will be forever changed by this experience. I am ready to change...to "live is Christ and to die is gain!"

Love with a loving heart!

So who exactly reads my blog? Who are you?

I had a different idea of what I was going to write about today...but I'm still mourning that little baby's passing yesterday, I'm going this route...and because thinking of him and blogging and the fact that if his dad hadn't blogged or kept up a website on Ezra, I would have never known about this little guy. I would have never known to pray for him...so, blogging is pretty cool.

So this thought sparked interest to me, since I have only given out my blog to one other person that I know, who else is reading it? I just learned how to check my stats...I noticed that someone in Ireland has checked it out and 2 other countries...it could have been an accidental click on my link, but it's very interesting to me to know if someone has happened upon my blog. I cannot even find it by google searching it unless I actually type in the title I have given it. How did anyone happen upon it?

Getting back to what sparked me wanting to know who views my website, it is amazing to me that 2 weeks ago I would google search the Matthews their website would be a few items down the list and now it is the first thing on the list...it's pretty amazing how many people have clicked on their website to view it. And it is so amazing to me how many people they have reached all over the world just because of a blog.

And then, yesterday I heard of a mom who blogged about her son dressing up like Daphne for Halloween...and her blog received over 3 million hits? What? I mean really how did that happen, for something so lame. And the funny thing is, on tv yesterday, she wanted to leave her last name anonymous and her son's name completely anonymous...and yet she blogged about it...and 3 million people hit her blog? Come on!

But it does make this all more real...all of this blogging...put on here what you don't mind sharing with the world, because obviously anyone can read it.

One thing that frustrates me though, not that just anyone can read this, but if you read it, stalk it, comment on it!! Say something to the blogger. I really do try to do this if I read someone's blog because I want to know who has read mine.

So leave me a note! I'd love to hear from you. Or don't and continue to lurk in the shadows and I'll continue to wonder who you are in Ireland or where ever you are... :)

Sweet baby saw Jesus this morning...

Ezra Matthews died this morning at 2:50 a.m. He didn't win his battle of cancer here on earth, but he won his battle!! He received the most awesome reward ever when he saw Jesus in the wee hours of the morning this morning. He left this earth in the arms of his earthly parents to enter his eternal life in the arms of his REAL Father!

It just breaks my heart though for those he left behind. I can only imagine how his parents must feel...the emptiness of leaving an already dreaded hospital room filled with hope at times and yet in reality they knew this was probably more like it. I mean today was the day he was suppose to start back chemo...and instead it's a day that they had to start planning his celebration of life. But for Ezra, no more chemo...no more pain, no more suffering. I am so happy his mom and dad heard his voice too on Saturday before he left them forever.

(This story continues to bring tears to my eyes.)

We came home from Ansonville yesterday and I had a package in the mail. When I saw it I knew it was the cd a friend had sent me. I opened it and listened to the song she mentioned.

This CD is by the Canadian Tennors...#2 on the cd is Hallelujah...a powerful song sung by famous singers also...it's definitely a Christian song with an awesome tune/rhythm (whatever you call it, I am no musician,) but the song is about King David...you can look it up and probably listen to it on youtube...and the awesome thing about King David is that he sinned...lusted over a married woman/committed adultery/got a woman pregnant out of wedlock/and even killed a man/then married this now widow that he got pregnant...and you know, David was chosen by God and he was a very important man in the bible...and yet, he had a son with Bathsheba out of wedlock...God frowned on this and took him away from them...he died of an illness...David wept and sort of moped around/fasted before he died, I'm sure pleading for his life...God took him from David. Unexpectedly once David heard of his son's passing, instead of losing himself in the midst of losing a son, he brushed himself off and went to the house of the Lord and worshiped because he could not bring his son back...he was dead...what an incredible testimony...and then later on he and Bathsheba bore another son, Solomon...pretty cool story...2Samuel 11-12. Worth the read!

Anyway, David was a sinner...God loved him and still David knew suffering in a way I hope I never have to find out...(David probably knew a lot of suffering) but David was not too good for God to allow him to feel the pain of losing a child or suffering. Neither am I...I just hope it doesn't happen to me...I'd choose a different suffering...I'm afraid that type would leave me paralyzed, emotionally especially.

Everyone lives through so many different types of suffering...financial, death, sickness, emotional, physical abuse, addictions, and on...and the thing of it is that we have to in order to carry out God's plan..and it is so that we all have different testimonies to share...and we all affect God's ultimate plan for the world and the people living in it. Through our sufferings and celebrations, we all affect one another in one way or the other...and it is how we live through these times that we affect one another. David, I believe set a good Godly example of suffering through the loss of his son...he did this type well. I believe he brought glory to God's name.

Thinking about Ezra's death brings another thought to mind...this suffering and what it would be like. I believe that suffering the death of a child would be hell...that's what I think hell would feel like only multiplied by 100 and never let up. Not one of God's creation deserves that...not even the murderer I saw on tv today who has gotten the death sentence (that's a whole other topic of which I won't discuss on here.) Because I do believe in God's creation of man...I believe that we all know good, and it's our choice...at least at some point in our lives it was/is our choice.

I want everyone to now Jesus so that no one has to ever experience that pain. I hope to never know what hell feels like here on earth because if I ever do, it means I've lost a child. I can honestly not think of a worse thing.

I look at the Matthews, they seem very successful, I believe the dad is some sort of computer guy...they seem to have nice things, technology, pool, they live in Tampa, I can't imagine that is a cheap place to live that comfortably...but I have something they don't...I have three beautiful children. And they will be scarred by the death of two children...I can't imagine that...I can't envy their material things.

But because of their story, I realize that. I realize what is important in life. I realize what is important for real. When I look at people in general...I don't want to look at what they have or don't have...I don't want to look at they way they act or don't act...I don't want to think about where they live or don't live...I don't want to think about what they drive or don't drive...I don't want to think about their looks/cleanliness/uncleanliness/their amount of exercise or lack of...I want to look at them for the people who they are...for the people that God has created them to be...I want to look deeper than any thing superficial. I want to know that they are my brother and/or sister in Christ...we have the same FATHER!

I was just telling my sister-in-law this weekend how important family is to me. I've sort of had my "ups and downs" with friends throughout my life, but my sister is my sister no matter what ever happens...we will forever have the same blood running through our veins...same goes for my in-laws and my nieces and nephews, and our parents...But hey...wait a minute...I want to take it back...let me take it back, because we all have been made by the same hands! But sort of here on earth I will keep my family the closest and I will forever take care of them...but let me not forget who we all belong to!! and that is not my mom and dad or my in-laws...it is God our Father!!

So, yes, sweet Ezra is no longer suffering, he got to see our Father this morning! How sweet! I'll finish on that note!

Christ was born a man today...

I heard this beautiful song today while I was listening to CHRISTMAS MUSIC!! Man, I love it! But it spared my thinking of something...

You know, I have these friends who don't believe in God or wouldn't say God is the "higher being" that is everyone's own interpretation...who are we to give him/her a name? If that is true, then how do you explain us being here on the earth? the miracle of babies, the miracle of experiencing life inside you as a woman and watching a mother's belly grow as a man? the miracle of how our human body functions...anatomy and physiology? what makes the leaves change colors or better yet that they know when the temperature changes they had better do something to prepare for the winter...and then in the spring they grow new leaves/life? or just in general...how the earth was formed and how seasons change, how the oceans waves are continuous...I mean I know that most of these things can be explained by science or at least tried to be explained by science...but honestly, if there were no changing of seasons, no ocean waves, no wind blowing, no rain falling from the sky, no babies made, our earth would be stagnant and it would die...God created ALL of this...He made us so that He was no alone and then He created everything else so that we could survive in this beautiful place HE made for us!! Ah...just a beautiful thought.

And I pray that in some way these things may be made known to those who don't believe. I pray that they will acknowledge God's awesomeness!! And see everything as a blessing and a purpose and know that He is in control of it all...and it's all for His glory and plan!!

Just a sweet thought I had while listening to that song this morning, because He came to earth the most beautiful thing about Christmas... and lived in this beauty that He created through His son who lived a sinless life...and then His Son died a sinners death for us so that we could be made new! and rose from the dead! God LOVES us!! and I am so thankful!! and I am so thankful that I have been raised in a family that taught me this. I pray that I am able to help those who were not as fortunate as I, that I can live a life that shows God's love so that they can want to recognize Him.

My heart...and well, it's not about me...

Since October 21st, I have been praying so hard for this little guy Ezra Matthews http://thematthewsstory.com/ he has neuroblastoma...a cancer that I'm pretty sure I've never heard of. Jamie Cline (a friend of mine from high school) posted this little guys website on her facebook (I've found a good point for facebook) and ever since she did, I cannot quite obsessing with it. I check it about 4 to 5 times a day. I pray like I've never prayed for another family before. I mean I've prayed for other families, but not like this...I get down on my knees...I pray and sort of plea with God, "Please show us your miracle! Heal this child. Give peace to his mom and dad. Wrap your arms around them."...and so on.

This sweet little child who is dying right now reminds me so much of my sweet little Will. And all I can think of is if this were one of my kids. How much it must hurt to see them hurt and they not understand what is going on, and see them be brave and suffer at the same time because they don't know any different.

And then my attention is turned to the parents. I can't even imagine the decisions they have had to make for their child. And the fact that when you have a child, as far back as the moment you find out you are pregnant with him/her all you can think about is their future and your future with them, holding them, kissing them, feeling their sweet arms around you, caring for them, loving them, experiencing different occasions with them, their school, their college, their marriage, their children, and so on...and you can't help but hope for those moments, even when you know the reality is that those moments are not promised. No one thinks about their child one day not being there beside of them. And I cannot imagine knowing that the possibility of that happening is stronger than not for the Matthews. And on the other side of these feelings is what if the child survives, what will life be like for him, what are the long term side affects of these drugs that they have poisoned my child with? But does that even matter because that child is still here with you?

I have gotten attached to several stories about children who have cancer, it sort of started in March of this year, first was Anna Brooks http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/annabrooks, lost her battle, then, Ellie Potvin, http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/Elliepotvin, lost her battle, little girl named Grace from Weddington, lost her battle...and now I have the privilege of being a little boy, by the name of Taylor Gibbs prayer partner at SouthLake, he's in Jessie's class...survivor!! in remission now since Spring of this year, http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/taylorgibbs, and a little boy by the name of Joshua Paryz, http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/joshuaparyz, who is right now battling leukemia, trying to get to a point of remission, and then this little Ezra Matthews, who's website I posted earlier in this message, fighting like crazy trying to just prolong life. My heart goes out to all of these families, those who have lost their sweet children and those who have watched their kids go through chemo and the horrible monster this cancer is. There has to be a cure out there somewhere!!

My question to myself and God, is why are these stories such huge impacts on my life...why can I not go an hour without thinking about them, especially Ezra because I know he is two, and his cancer is so progressed and he really is dying. I've googled neuroblastoma, and I haven't read about a kid surviving neuroblastoma stage 4 yet...not that it doesn't happen, just haven't come across the kid who survived it that late in the game...but it sounds like there is no cure for neuroblastoma, that there is only prolonging life. I just can't imagine the brick wall you just hit when you find out something like this about your child.

So, why has little Ezra's story impacted my life so much? I mean there are tens of thousands of kids dying of cancer every day. Why did God show me Ezra's story? Why has this particular story been brought to my attention? I wish I knew. Except this morning, I think I may have figured some of it out. It's not because God wants me to hug my kids today more than any other day. It's not because He wants me to be thankful that my kid doesn't have cancer (because let's face it, only He knows if one of my kids ever will have cancer, nothing makes me special that one of my kids won't have cancer.)

But I'm to have faith in God ALONE! I love Hebrews 11:1. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Pray for others, pray for them as I would pray for myself. Pray and have a heart for them as if they were my own because they are my brother and sister in Christ. Care for others! That has been my biggest lesson out of all these stories! Put others first, and I mean first! That is what Jesus did...I mean He died for me...God gave His SON for my sins!! For me, awful sinful me! (not that I think that bad of myself) Am I deserving of someone to die for? I mean, I know my mom or dad would gladly die for me, but what about a perfect stranger? Talk about grace. God's grace is unimaginable and that infinity sign would be beside his name! I truly believe that...His love for me goes on and on into the depths of space and back again. I am to love others the way Jesus loved others...which I fall so short of, but I can try my best.

Abraham was asked to sacrifice his only son, Isaac, his son that was promised to him and Sarah by God. Abraham never gave up on having a son because God promised him a son...even when Abraham and Sarah were WAY TOO old to conceive a child, he and Sarah became pregnant and the received that son that was promised so many years ago...talk about being faithful...Abraham and Sarah were perfect examples of Hebrews 11:1. Abraham, when Isaac was young man, was asked to sacrifice him, and he was ready and willing to do so. I can't imagine what that felt like...as I cannot imagine how it felt to God to sacrifice His only son. Talk about faith in Abraham's part and love and grace in God's part. Both sacrificed for someone else. God was deserving for the sacrifice of Isaac, but could I sacrifice or give up my son or daughter for God willingly? As I feel anyone who has to let go of their child and realize it is for God's purposes? And can I whole heartedly give someone else the grace that God has given me? I feel like that is what parents have to do when they let go of their child...give up their child for God's purpose. (not that we have a choice, but we do have a choice in how we handle/conduct ourselves when something like that happens.)

Those last two paragraphs, I believe are why God has laid on my heart so heavily all of these children and right now Ezra Matthew's story. Because I need to pray like there is no tomorrow for this family. I need to think about them over myself and my silly little petty issues. I need to get over myself and really think of others...others' lives...others' circumstances...because after all it's not all about me!! Life is not all about me!!!!

How sweet it is...

How sweet it is to see my sweet Jessie pray...while Jessie prays, Will looks around, Ruby claps her hands, and well, Preston and I look at each other in amazement while trying to hold on to every word. Often my eyes water up...it's just the absolute sweetest thing EVER!!

And while I'd like to take the credit for her sweet prayers, they didn't stem from Preston or me. We've tried and shown her the importance of talking to God. But it didn't come from us...you see, that girl, or should I say kids, are little creatures who seem believe others over their mom or dad.

I don't know why this is. Maybe it is because we tell them so much in a day that they get tired of hearing our mouths run...perhaps we really do sound like the Charlie Brown adults to them..."wernt wernt wernt..." (that's the best I have for writing out the sounds.) Or maybe every kid is like Jessie and they don't believe poop stinks until they put their own noses in it. Or maybe we do all want to be like each other, especially our peers...it's not real until they do it...we really do want to jump off the bridge because someone else did.

Whatever it is, I am loving the fact that my kid is going to a school where day in and day out, they pray out loud. Now, I have my thoughts on "out loud prayer," that's for another day and has nothing to do with my kid learning the importance of prayer, but having my kid in an environment where her peers are praying, someone other than her mom is telling her how awesome it is to pray, I am so thankful. I am so thankful that she has smelled the poop and found out for herself that it stinks! Even though those are not good descriptive words for prayer, probably not the best analogy to come up with, I am glad she has seen others do it and now she WANTS to do it. What an awesome foundation for her prayer life.

Because there is nothing in this world any sweeter than hearing my Jessie pray for others...how sweet it is!

I need to open my eyes...see what's in front of me!

I have been out of touch with blogging for a while...I'm not really good at sticking to anything...I'm not a scheduled person and yet I also don't do well with change...how that works I'm not sure, but it's the truth. I like to be on a schedule, yet I do nothing by a schedule and when change occurs, I'm really screwed up. But anyway, that's not what I am here today to talk about.

I really want to mention how stinkin' blessed I am. I have been reading a blog about a little guy named Ezra Matthews...bless his sweet little heart. He has been struggling with cancer for a year now, he turned 2 this past August...he's the age of my sweet little Will and Ruby. At the start of his chemo his mom and dad found out they were pregnant and then found out a month later they were pregnant with twins...she delivered at 26 weeks...two boys...one died a week later and the other remained in the hospital for 191 days with complication. They were suppose to be like me...three sweet kiddos...

What makes me so special? Why do I have three beautiful and healthy children when someone else is off suffering like this? Now, don't get me wrong...I'm certainly not saying why me or why not me in a way that I am asking for it...or anything of the such...I wouldn't hope this for my worse enemy...it only makes me realize that they are no different than we are and I NEED to see my blessings...the ones that are right in front of me!! The ones that I see every single day. Because the Matthews don't get to see what I see or hear the sweet laughter, hugs and kisses, or crazy knock down drag out fights. That will never be the reality of their lives. They will always have this chapter of their life. God, I pray that you will bless them in a way that only you can do...a sweet sweet blessing...one so sweet that I may envy and yet they deserve...bless them!!!

I need to open my eyes to see what is right in front of me! I see my babies, but I want to see them like I have never experienced. I want to see them special every single day and recognize my blessing. I want to see them like God sees them. That is how I want to see them...that is how they deserve to be seen. All three of my sweet babies are such sweet blessings and have blessed our lives in their own ways. I want to be the mom that God has intended for me to be...I want to follow in His will! God help me to do that!

Potty Lesson #1

Here's an email I sent Preston today:

So, Preston, you would be proud...today I decided to give Will and
Ruby a little potty lesson...Ruby was showing interest in the potty,
so I thought this would be a good time to give it a try. I sat Ruby
on the potty, she tooted! YAY Ruby!!! That's awesome, she's thinking
that there is suppose to be some sort of release while sitting
there...nothing else except for a toot, but sounds like she sort of
has an idea of what goes on.

Will on the other hand...I stand him up on the potty, Addie showed me
what she does with Kyle and it looks like a great idea...you pull the
seat up and stand their feet on the rim and he is perfectly aimed in
the bowl...well, that's what I did...Will stands there, sticks his
belly out like he does when he's proud... and spits! Yes, he spits and
thinks he has just done the coolest thing and when I put him down he
struts off to the den! Crazy boy!!!

Just thought you would like to know what they both think about the
potty...for Ruby, you do something, and she has the right idea as to
which end you do something from...Will on the other hand...looks like
a cool place to spit! That's your boy Preston!

Love you!

(Mom and Dianne, I thought you two would like a good laugh!)

Jessie's kindergarten stories...

Here are some of the stories that Jessie has shared with me and her daddy her first two weeks of school. They are so funny!

First story is from her first day of school:

I was crying before I had to leave her...her teacher allowed us parents to walk in the classroom and be with our little kindergarten-ers while she read to us a story..."The Kissing Hand." Sweet, sweet story. It definitely brought tears to my eyes. And before we left, our little kids placed a heart sticker in our palms and off we went, leaving them there. It was so sweet. I started to cry, Jessie looked at me and said, "It's ok Mommy, just wipe your tears on your shirt sleeves."

Second story, also from her first day of school:

Later that day when I picked her up, her teacher's assistant told me, "This girl is funny." She told me that Jessie said, "I believe the gingerbread man pooped out here." I thought, lovely, my kid is talking to her teachers about poop. (They were talking about the gingerbread man. They are studying the different nursery rhymes, that's why she is talking about the gingerbread man.)

This is a funny story:

Preston came home and told me this story...Our babysitter, Shannon, saw Jessie while at school, she asked Jessie if she had been to PE yet. Jessie answered her asking, "What does that spell?" Ha ha! That kid is hilarious!!

Another story:

Jessie told me the other day about these two big girls that knew her name, but she didn't know theirs. They both told her that her daddy was funny. So she continued to tell me other stories about some of her friends who she played with. She told me one story about one of her friends, Brynly not wanting to play with her. When they went to the bathroom, this must be when they have girl talk, because she often tells me tells about what goes on in the bathroom, she said Brynly asked what she was doing. She said, "I'm being funny like my daddy." She went on to show me what she was doing, she was putting her hands up by her ears, and sticker her tongue out making a funny noise. That's her idea of being funny. I wonder if that is what she pictures her daddy doing when he's being funny. ha. She is a funny girl! I have a feeling she will be like her daddy.

Uh Oh, she got her card turned: She told me that she got her card changed. I asked what she was doing for this to happen. Her response to me turned in to her recreating the moment. She said, "Mommy, we were kicking our feet under the table like this." She shows me, she is kicking her feet, not touching the floor, back and forth, and the little boy that sits across from her is doing the same thing. "Then Jack" who is that little boy, "kicked me like this." What she showed me was that he just kicked her, nothing hard, just his foot touched her leg. "And it hurt. So, I pinched him like this."

"Ouch!" That was my response back to her as she showed me how she pinched him.

Right then, I realized that this little girl of mine, will be just fine in kindergarten...I didn't need to worry about people picking on my girl and getting away with it! Although, I do believe had it been a girl who did this, her reaction would have been different and probably more forgiving and not so quick to react in this manner. But boys, watch out, Jessie doesn't take junk off of boys!

However, even though I sort of felt a feeling of, "Yeah, that's my girl, way to take care of yourself," I still had to have the think before you react, like, "Maybe Jack didn't mean to kick you that hard. You should ask him if he meant to do that. See what his response is first. And then go talk to the teacher. Don't kick, punch, pinch, or hurt people as a way of responding to their actions." You know, the talk you give them so that they don't turn out beating kids up! :)

And that's it for now...as the year unfolds and it's note worthy, I'll try to write about the events...

Got to get it out...

Today is one of those days that Satan is messing with me. One of those days I can't help but feel like I am not cut out for this...a stay at home mom of three, while Preston works EVERY day, including Saturday. We definitely need the money, but is it worth it? Is it worth my feeling of failure.

What I mean by failure is that I feel as if I may snap at any minute...I'm not like those moms whose kids misbehave and they ask, "Why did you do that? What made you want to misbehave? You need to try better." Before I get to that point, my mouth, or sometimes my hand, has acted before my brain. And I feel awful.

Yesterday I was on edge...to give you a little background of what my week has been like...I have been away from the house three times in a course of 5 days, there are days I don't even really go outside because it has been so hot, and to top it off I have PMS!! It's awful! I feel like my insides may explode even when I am just sitting or when I am trying to clean house with no one around bugging me. It's bad. And a guy has no clue...So, anyway, back to yesterday...My poor Jessie always get the blunt of my anger. We were sitting at the dinner table...first of all, the kid doesn't eat...she kept asking, "How many bites do I have to eat." Drives me up the wall. And then Preston and I were talking, she starting tugging on my shoulder and trying to interrupt our conversation. I yelled at her. She immediately started crying. My poor baby. I tried to tell her I was sorry once I realized the anger that had just been released from my mouth. And then she denied trying to interrupt. So I scolded her again and sent her to her room...this time a little more loving...and she listened. Thankfully!

I'm just awful. The poor kid deserves so much better than me as her mom. But how do I get her to listen? I'm pretty sure my anger lashing out at her isn't the way.

This makes me wonder, do I need drugs? I have no idea. Am I the only person in the world who does this...I mean I LOVE my kids with all of my heart. I have learned so much about love having had them. I have even learned of a glimpse of the love that God has for me...yet, He would NEVER lash out at me like that. I am trying to make my drug to help calm me be blogging and spending more time with God, praying for a much more loving heart...to be more like Him. Parent as He parents me.

And I need to do as I tell Jessie, breath first, then react. I need to remember to breath before I yell or spank my kids. I need to make sure that their action deserves my response. I need to listen and do as I try to teach Jessie.

But really, am I going to survive all three of my kids? I have no idea. I am glad that God is in control and I can rest assured that He gave me what He wants me to have. He has blessed me so much and has always been so faithful. I need to rely more on Him and a WHOLE LOT LESS on myself. I pray that He will help remind me of that. I am glad He is the author of my life!!! He KNOWS what is best for me. And I need to continue to communicate with Him. I need to remember how much I love my kids and how much I want them to want and need me and apply that to how God feels about me as His daughter that He loves ways more than I believe that I can comprehend.

That's all for now. I have to go get Will and Ruby up. It's time for them to get up this morning! Wish me luck! :) And God, thank you for the life you have given me. You have given me way more than I deserve and I love that you love me knowing that I can never love You the same...that my heart can't even comprehend that kind of love. I am in awe of You. Your blessings are abundant and undeserving by me...and yet you are so faithful!! You have given me a husband who doesn't deserve the way I treat him sometimes. He's an incredible husband and daddy...that will have to be a blog on another day. But You have truly blessed me with that guy...I wouldn't be the person that I am without him (when I'm nice that is! He has nothing to do with my meanness, that's all me...and Satan's help!)

Believe it or not...I loved my vacation!

I am going to journal a little (a lot) about vacation...I'm going to give you a day by day break down of what vacation was like with a 5 year old and 21 month old twins...this will be fun since I loved my vacation...

Wednesday: All day I was trying to get ready, finish up laundry, pack us up and be ready to roll by 5:30...ha ha! I was alone at first and then my 86 year old Momaw came to help me out. She is an amazing woman, I pray that I am the woman she is when I am 86! She came back to help me out...who is this blessed? to have their 86 year old grandma help them out?!! I should be helping her out. Thank goodness she showed up to help me! I have learned since having twins to not turn down help...if she asked, she must have wanted to help me. I also make sure that the person helping me knows how truly thankful I am. Anyway, she came back here to my house around 10:00, helped me with Will and Ruby, and helped me fold laundry, pretty much anything I asked her, she helped with. She actually left around 12:00 to go get a bite to eat for lunch, how awful am I? I didn't offer her anything from my home, but honestly I was just going to work through lunch...feed the kids, put them down for a nap and keep on working. But my Momaw is such a thoughtful woman, first of all, she returned, how awesome is that? and second, she brought me lunch! How sweet!!! I am so blessed! Anyway, because of her help, when Preston came home around 5:30, I pretty much had everything packed and we were off by 6:30, headed to Cary!

Oh, and might I add, I dealt with pooh all day Wed from BOTH Will and Ruby!!! they were good mannered, but just every time I turned around I had to stop to change a dirty diaper...that meant I changed 10 poop diapers before 6:30pm!!! Ah...

We got to Cary in about 3 hours, I guess because each kid had pooped 5 times that day there was no more pooh, thankfully! Ruby did scream the last hour of the trip, I had to reach my arm from the front passenger seat back to at least be touching her foot the entire hour or she would scream her head off...forget about the fact that my arm was falling off...When we finally got there, after what seemed to have been 5 hours, Jessie, Will and Ruby were pretty excited to see their grandparents as were we...Preston and I slipped off once we put the twins to bed (Jessie and her Momaw hung out) to my favorite ice cream place in Cary, Goodberry's!!! So nice! It actually felt like a date. And I needed it after the past hour of breaking my arm and listening to screaming!! When we returned from getting ice cream, we unpacked only what we needed for one night, but I did have food that had to go in the freezer and refrigerator so that had to be unpacked...ugh...and then off to bed! I wanted to leave by 8:30am, the next morning.

Thursday: That morning Preston and I woke up at 8:30...I wanted to wake up at 7:30 but just couldn't do it...so after feeding myself, Jessie, and Preston running to Trader Joe's for my much needed coffee to take with us on our trip, getting Will and Ruby up, feeding them, repacking food and few clothing and toiletries, we were off at 10:30am...not exactly 8:30, but hey, at least it was still AM!!

The trip started off good, everyone was in good spirits and excited about going to the beach. We sort of do this cheer..."Let's Go!" and Will and Ruby even chime in...it's pretty awesome and really loud in a our van! But cute and fun! and a great way to get everyone pumped! The trip went pretty good for the first hour and a half, then it came time to get some lunch.

Will is allergic to milk, egg, and peanuts, so that means he cannot have french fries from many places...so we decided on McDonald's since Will can have apples in the happy meal. Preston decided since there was a long line going through the drive thru that he should run in...well Ruby had already been sort of testy before we stopped, not knowing if she was going to start screaming or not, I was a little leery of this idea, but oh well. It was about 100 degrees outside no lie, it was at least 94 and felt even hotter. I spouted off a list of what to buy for everyone to Preston and off he went to get our lunch...well, in the mean time Ruby started screaming...the car had stopped and according to Ruby this shouldn't have happened. I got her out of the car seat and I brought her up to the front with me...Will and Jessie continued to be sweet kids and watched Tom and Jerry while staying in their seats. I started smelling something and I automatically decided this was not going to be good...Ruby had pooped. My only choice since I was sitting in the van all by myself while Preston was inside was to change her in the van. So I did. I laid her down on my seat, and shew-wee, it was stinky, and thankfully not that much and I had caught it at the perfect time, right before it went every where, easy 3 wipe clean up! It pretty much stunk up the car, but I bagged it up and took it inside once Preston returned with our lunch. There you go McD's, Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday, whatever, just thankful it wasn't staying with us!!...and I got to wash my hands in the bathroom, I was thankful even more for that since I was about to eat my lunch!

We buckled her back in and off we go, headed to Southport, hoping to make no more stops! But man, I still smelled something, was it on my hands? on me? what was it? The smell continued to linger. We maybe got a mile down the road and it continued to smell...shew...what in the world, did Will pooh this time? I was sort of P-O-ed at Preston for not checking everyone while I had gone inside to clean myself and throw away the trash. While we were still sitting still. I made a sly remark like "Did you not smell this after I had gone inside? Why didn't you check them just to make sure?!" I reached back in the back seat, checked Will's pants, nothing...then I thought, man, Ruby just pooped, it can't be her again...but I thought I had better check to make sure...I was really hoping that maybe it was an existing stink from Ruby's previous pooh...boy was I wrong...I saw it already starting to leak out from her cute little green polo dress...it was coming out...GROSS!!!

So, Preston had to pull over as soon as he could. I'm not sure what this little gravel area was that we pulled over at, but we didn't care and I was glad it was there! It was a poop emergency. I reached back there thinking it was leaking out from between her legs and I felt it on her back, the back of her dress was nasty! The poop was all the way up her back to her shoulders...GROSS!!! I honestly didn't know how to take this dress off of her, it was one of those dresses that was one piece, the bloomers were connected to the dress, sort of a onesie with a dress over it, but all connected. Preston started pulling, I started yelling at him, it is all up her back, her back was covered in poop, and I mean nasty poop. The kind that is wipe off and go throw her in the bathtub...but there was no bath tub...what was I to do? We did our best...I was yelling, Preston was yelling, and poor Ruby was screaming...might I add, Preston and I had not started eating yet...and I really am not sure what Jessie and Will are doing at the is time. But through team work, Preston and I cleaned her up...we both got pooh all over our hands and no where to wash them...LOVELY!! and no where to throw the pooh away or clean up her dress...but thankfully, before we left Cary, Preston's mom had the great idea of giving us grocery bags, so everything got tightly tied up. The pooh was clean and contained...two different bags, one with poop diaper and one with poop dress. If it had been a dress that I had bought, that thing would have gone in the trash!!! But it belonged to my sister. So no poop dress in the trash for me! That thing had to continue to travel with us! but so did the poop bag, but I knew as soon as we got somewhere that thing was going in the trash.

We all got settled back in, I made sure Jessie and Will and Ruby all had their food situated and off we went. Now we are hoping for a straight shot there to Southport, hoping to catch the 3:00 ferry to the island. No one wanted to eat their food. As for me, I pretty much lost my appetite after cleaning that disgusting poop! I do think Preston had no problem eating his though. But I just couldn't, all I could think about was that there was no where to wash my hands and I had poop all over my hands. However, before I left our little gravel poop changing area, I did find some scope that had in it's ingredients alcohol, and I thought, better than nothing, so I rinsed my hands off with it. And a little ways down the road, I decided a girl has to eat...I ate my four chicken nuggets and fries and pretended to forget about the pooh that had been on them previously.

All three kids were sort of hard to get along with for the rest of the trip. Ruby made me hold her hand or foot for the last part of the trip, that's fun. There's nothing like the circulation being cut off from your hand all because if you quit touching your kid, she screams! Here's waht went on in the car: Jessie wouldn't eat her lunch and complained of being hungry, Ruby making me touch her, Jessie saying, "I'm hot! I'm cold! I'm hungry!" Will and Ruby screaming and crying, oh and let me add, we almost got hit by a crazy man who runs a stop sign, and then we finally made it to Southport.

We were excited thinking we are about to catch the 3:00 ferry!! AWESOME!! We were pumped...Actually amazing, we made it there by the time we wanted!! We parked at the drop off area, we did our best to get unpacked, buy our tickets and figure out where to go wait to load the ferry...while we were unpacking we hear the horn from the ferry...Preston says "That's not good." And I am not one to know what that means. I'm thinking "Oh, that is their warning: 'Hey we are about to leave.'" Surely we have time to get catch the ferry, surely they will wait on us! It wasn't, according to Preston's watch even 3:00 on the dot yet. We bought our tickets, they know we are coming. Can't they hold it for us? We are rushing through the station trying to find stairs to get downstairs where you load the ferry and a lady says to us "You can go down the elevator if you are wanting to go wait for the next ferry." I'm thinking, "Lady, we are getting on the 3:00 ferry, I'm not waiting for an hour to catch the next ferry!" But sure enough, I saw the ferry leaving. I was so sad!

Oh, and let me add, that in the midst of all of this confusion for me, Jessie tells me that she needs to pee, and I tell her that she is going to have to hold it. Plus, I've been holding Ruby and I can't figure out why she smells because I checked her diaper and there's nothing there. I am figuring that I must have pooh on me somewhere or it is just her nasty self since her pooh accident was definitely bath worthy. I sort of blow that off as she just stinks or I have it on me somewhere. After figuring out that the ferry had indeed left us, I end up having to back track for Jessie though, after getting Preston settled down in the waiting area with Will and Ruby I took Jessie to the potty. She was relieved that she didn't have to wait until we got to the island. I was sort of glad to put Will and Ruby down (I was carrying them both trying to rush to get everything to the ferry) and leave them with their daddy for a few minutes while taking Jessie to the bathroom. Before putting Ruby down, I did find her stink...she had poop onher skirt, which meant that there was poop on her car seat...which mean that we would have poop baking on the car seat for 4 days while we were on the island...lovely! But Ruby's clothes are all packed in the suitcase...I had just put her clean outfit that was in the diaper bag on her after her huge explosion...the suitcase was in a holding area waiting to be loaded on the ferry when it got here...poor girl had to just stink...poor us, we had to smell it!! Oh well, nothing I could do about that and besides knowing that I was going to have to smell it, I was sort of relieved! Aren't I awful. But changing clothes is not one of my favorite things to do.

Jessie and I went to the bathroom, we walked through an air conditioned room and it was like heaven after sweating our brains out unpacking and rushing around trying to make it to the ferry that we had missed by minutes. Bathroom time just become a relaxing moment for me from the crazy day we had spent since 8:30 and I was glad to be leaving Will and Ruby with Preston for a few minutes.

It's funny how I was so tired and taking my 5 year old to the bathroom was where I was finding some rest time. And, I'll tell you what is even more funny, Jessie has this issue or OCD problem with wiping her bottom multiple times after she pees. I keep threatening her I am going to take her to the doctor if she keeps it up. She tells me that she keeps feeling it dripping down and has to go wipe. I really think I need to have her checked out. But anyway, every time she wipes multiple times, (she'll leave the bathroom and then have to go back to the bathroom to wipe again, she might even go back another time) I get aggravated at her...but this time, I let that kid wipe as many times as she needed to...I was glad to stay away with only her for a few minutes...let daddy chase those two little people around the deck...I mean we had an hour to wait until the next ferry arrived. I really could have hung out in the bathroom as long as Jessie needed. It was cool and I wasn't chasing anyone, cleaning poop, smelling poop, it was beautiful! I was even checking out the colors that they used in the bathroom, I really liked them...a cool calm green with really pretty tile work on the walls. Sort of a feel good color. And then it was over...bathroom time was over...she was finished and ready to go find Will and Ruby and daddy.

We returned to the deck waiting area. I chased Will and Ruby around, they were having a great time. Will was flirting with a little girl...he usually finds a girl to flirt with where ever he goes...he's a "lady's man." He loves the girls, no matter the age. But I noticed he stood still for a period of time, and then I thought, "I bet he's pooping!" and sure enough he did. I sent Preston to change him this time. I was tired of poop! So he left me with Ruby and Jessie. It was getting close to time for the ferry to come. Preston almost made Will sit in his poop it was so close, because as we had just experienced the ferry waited for no one. But he went and changed Will and made it back in time. While he was gone though, Ruby decided to poop again! I couldn't believe it...and since we had to walk around the building, up the stairs, through a sitting area and in to the bathroom, there was no time for me to take her. Poor girl had to sit in her poop for 30 minutes, plus a tram ride until we got to the house. I was feeling sorry for her.

While on the tram I was so afraid her pooh would have started leaking out on to my skirt...because of course I had Ruby...actually until we got on the ferry and seated I had to carry them both, Preston carried the bags and helped Jessie. I just carried kiddos. But once seated, Preston took Will from me, the one who is calm and collected and easy going. I had busy, poop pants Ruby. But we survived the ferry ride, sort of felt long though. When we started to unload the ferry, a sweet lady from Charlotte offered to take a kid for me, not knowing if Ruby had poop coming out her pants or if Will had pooped, at this point, to me, everything and everyone smelled like poop, pretty sure I did too, I told the kind lady, "Thank you, but I am good!" Since I have had twins, I have learned to accept people's kind offers, but this was one of those times you say, "Thanks, but no thanks!" and I am doing them a favor instead of them doing one for me.

We finally arrived to the island...so far from what i had heard, it just looked like any other place I had ever been...nothing too special is what i mean by that. We got off the ferry, got our luggage and got on a tram to take us to our house. When we got there...I am embarrassed to say, the driver who was very rushed for time, he was trying to catch the ferry back to the mainland, we forgot to tip him. I still feel awful about this, and there is nothing I can do about it. But I am guessing to him, catching his ferry back to get home was more important than our money at the time.

We made it to the house...I just loved the feeling I got as I walked inside...It was beautiful, quaint, and clean, and COOL!!! Ah...it was so nice! Beautiful furniture! Beautiful floors! A cute little cottage feel. It had a master bedroom downstairs with a king sized bed, and a small kitchen, dining room, den, nice tv, comfy furniture, another bedroom with a queen sized bed and lots of floor space for 2 pack n' plays, another bathroom, laundry, and pantry, upstairs was a sweet loft with bathroom and stairs/steps/carpeted ladder not real sure what you call them going up there that Jessie absolutely loved to go up and down, she also loved that the room was open to the den. She called that room "my room!" She loved this house. It had a nice little screened in porch! The house was right across from the pool and not that far from the beach! You could not ask for a more perfect vacation spot! I loved it too!!!

I got things settled in and sat Will and Ruby down for a snack while Preston and Jessie went for a little exploration of the place on the golf carts. Did I mention that there were no cars...how awesome is that?!! I loved it, the most perfect place for a family vacation. So laid back and easy going and no one was moving a faster pace than 18 mph...my kind of living right there! Everyone we met was so nice. Anyway, back to what was going on...I was settling in and Preston and Jess were exploring...somehow the guy always gets to take the easy kid and go do the fun stuff...how does that always seem to work that way?!! But it was ok, I was on vacation!! and my mind was right there too, on vacation! I love vacation!!

Settled in, went for a walk on the beach...Will and Ruby wanted nothing to do with it...I wasn't thinking good thoughts about this...we had at least 2 good days of hanging out on the beach and they didn't want their feet to touch the sand more or less the water. As soon as you put them down on the sand they lifted their legs right up. Ruby did eventually warm up to it, but not Will...NO way were his feet touching the sand and certainly not getting close to the water. He was fine as long as I was holding him, but don't even think about putting him down...pretty much couldn't he had a death grip on my shirt. Jessie loved it...I love to hear her little squeals of glee! So awesome...probably one of the best sounds in the world, just wish Will and Ruby would want to join in. I decided instead of giving up, I'd keep sticking their feet in the sand and in the ocean. Ruby did eventually give in and decide that it was pretty cool....Will, no way!! I'd have to give him another try tomorrow!

After the beach we came back and I fixed spaghetti...Will and Ruby gobbled it up...Jessie keeps telling me she doesn't like and I keep forcing her to eat it. That night, it was like I was feeding her rotten eggs, she was not going to eat it. I'm telling you this girl would rather not eat...she'd hates to sit down and eat, at least eat a meal, she loves chocolate and candy and potato chips, any junk food, no problem. She will not eat a meal without asking you how many bites she has to eat...I always give her a number that is the largest amount that she would end up eating most of her meal. It drives me absolutely crazy! And this was vacation, but not a vacation away from her not wanting to eat her meal. For some reason I thought vacation would have been less these quirky every day aggravations!! HELLO, what was I smoking?!! Food would continue to be an issue. But let's get real, what kid hates spaghetti? That's like a kid not liking pizza...but that kid is my Jessie. She's got ideas of her own!!!!

Once supper was over, it was bathes (because pretty much Will and Ruby had poop residue all over them) and then off to bed!!! Ah...such a nice treat, bedtime that is. I put Will and Ruby in their pack 'n plays and off to sleep they go. They are awesome little sleepers!!

And then, I just sat on the couch trying to put Jessie to sleep. She loves for me to hold her to put her to bed...I do too, but I am also ready to start putting that sweet thing in her bed and she go off to sleep on her own. I know though, that I will miss those days, so I'll keep holding her for now.

Once I put her in her bed, it was all about me...and Preston of course, but it was sweet time of no one wanting something or pooping and having to clean it up. I had already unpacked everything, so I sat there on that plush couch and relaxed...ah...I sort of didn't want to go to bed and continue to sit there and think about myself. That part of it was "vacation."

Friday: We got up, fed everyone, spent an entire hour getting ready to go to the beach, put sunscreen and bathing suits on EVERYONE...I can remember thinking, "I still have another kid to put sunscreen on? I'm not finished yet?!!"

Preston's job was to load up the golf cart while I was getting everyone ready.

We were ready and off to the beach we went. Riding a golf cart to the beach was pretty awesome and so much easier than walking across the street and carrying everything and everyone. or having to load up your car, buckle everyone in a car seat, and drive to the beach, find a parking space, unload and then have to walk to the beach still. Golf cart is definitely the way to go!!

Jessie, Will and Ruby loved the ride to the beach. So did I, and I'm pretty sure Preston really enjoyed it too since he was the driver. Will usually helped him drive. They were pretty cute.

The beach...it was so much fun seeing all three of my babies at the beach. At first, Will and Ruby had NOTHING to do with it. Neither of them wanted their feet to touch the sand. When you would try to put them down, they would draw up their legs so that their feet couldn't stand. They were so funny. I was thinking, "This will be a long couple of days at the beach. One kid would want to be there and the other two did not!" I even had decided that maybe Preston could take Jessie to the beach while Will, Ruby, and I would stay back at the house. At least the house was very nice and we could totally hang out there.

But soon they decided, after their mean momma just sat them in the sand decided to be ok with the sand...the water on the other had was a whole other story. Will wouldn't get touch it, Ruby warmed up to it pretty quickly. She didn't mind it, but at the same time she didn't have to be in it.

Well, I decided that Will was going to like it. I took him out in the water and held him. I was up to my knees in the water, we jumped waves together. He started to love that...he would cackle out loud. It was the cutest thing. Then he got even more brave and let me hold him in the water, hold him with his belly and legs in the water and I'd pick him up and swing him in the air when a wave would come...he LOVED it.

Ruby, not so much...she's one who likes to be in control...so she preferred to stand in the more shallow where the water just covered her feet so she could run around in the water and not get pushed down by the waves.

And as for Jessie, well that girl, is so awesome, she made sure she enjoyed herself regardless of the fact that Preston and I had our hands full with Will and Ruby, she just ran to and from with the waves, jumped the waves, played in the sand, whatever her heart desired. She's an incredible little person to have twins as sibblings...she loves life so much that she makes sure that she enjoys herself with no hard feelings either...she loves her brother and sister and never thinks one ill thing towards them. I am so blessed that she is my oldest daughter.

And the rest of the day...well, once the beach ended which was lunch time when we headed back to the house...we fed the kiddos...put Will and Ruby down for nap...sat Jessie in "her room" and set her up to watch a movie on Preston's laptop...then it was just Preston and me...we went out on the screened porch and took a NAP!! It was incredible. I actually took a nap during the day...it was a great day.

Once Jessie's movie ended, I took her to the pool, the house was right across from the pool. Preston stayed back at the house with the twins...I think he really wanted to continue his nap. I thought about it, but Jessie wanted to go swim...pretty much I can't tell that girl no...maybe not my best parenting skill. :)

We played in the pool for a while, at least until the twins woke up. Once they woke up we maybe went for a ride on the golf cart, can't really remember, but supper time was approaching and then we pretty much called it a day. I loved it once the kiddos were all in the bed...it was then my time...and I just sat on the couch covered up with a blanket and enjoyed a little peace and quiet. Preston did the same, we were quiet together...it was nice.

Then late that night, Brad and Sarah came to join us...so we really enjoyed the peace and quiet until they got there. Then we hung out with them and talked for a little while...and then went to bed. Ah...what a day!

Saturday: Got up, hung out on the screened porch with Brad while Sarah went to the local grocery store/diner to do some work...we ate some breakfast and drank coffee and just enjoyed spending time with one another until Will and Ruby woke up. Jessie loved getting that attention from Brad and us.

Once the twins got up, we fed them breakfast, and we all got dressed and went to pick up Sarah (Brad took her to the grocery store early that morning.) Then we went to see Old Baldy. Preston, Jessie, Brad, and Sarah went to the top. I stayed on the ground with WIll and Ruby. That was crazy since there was no place for them to run and play except for the asphalt golf road...so I decided it was sit in the golf cart and eat a snack time...thankfully I thought and packed them something to snack on...it was getting close to lunch time. Thankfully that kept them occupied until they got out of the light house.

Then we went back and had lunch...and then off to the beach we went. It was so much fun. Plus it was nice to have the extra set of hands. We really had a good time with Brad and Sarah there...it was fun, sweet family time. No stress, just do what you want when you wanted to do it.

Later that evening Brad and Sarah went out for a little golf cart ride and when they returned they offered to let us go for one. Of course Jessie was still up, so she went with us. Bless her sweet little heart, she fell asleep so fast...and we were wanting to go get ice cream which is something that girl really would do her best to stay awake for, but she couldn't. She started off talking while we were riding and then she laid her head on my shoulder and it wasn't long until I heard nothing from her. So sweet though to have her sleeping so peacefully like that while Preston and enjoyed talking to one another.

It really was a sweet day.

Sunday: Brad and Sarah got up REALLY early and left. Sarah had an event that she had to hurry home for. So Preston and I decided to take the kids back to the beach one last time. We hurriedly got ready to leave the house by 10:00 so we could return by 12:00. Give those kiddos one last hoorrah! And boy did they have a ball. They didn't want to leave. And of course as we left, we said a big "Good Bye beach!"

Then we got back to the house, packed and cleaned up in enough time so that we didn't miss the tram picking us up to take us to catch the ferry to leave the island. Oh, it was bitter sweet. We loved Bald Head Island...it was awesome. Sort of turned me in to a beach snob...I don't want to go back to another beach. It was so pleasant and I easily fell in to what the the locals called "Turtle time." The island definitely had its own pace. It was nice...a perfect first of our family of 5 vacation on our own. Sweet time!

Thank you Stephanie and Jerry Bynum!!!

Finally, it's here...

I have been complaining since summer break began (Jessie ended preschool and Preston was out for the summer) that I want to go to the beach. The week before Father's day my mom and dad went to the beach and so did everyone else in the world...except for me and my family. And ever since I have been complaining of how I want to go!!! And FINALLY, I am leaving today!!!! Well, today to go to Cary, spend the night and then go to the beach bright and early in the morning!!!

We are going to Bald Head Island! I am so excited! I feel like it is Christmas. I just found out yesterday that if we go, we should go down tomorrow! Wow! Tomorrow! I had yesterday afternoon and evening to start washing all 5 of our loads of laundry (5 meaning, 5 different people's dirty clothes that have collected for a week, not sure of how many loads I actually washed!) But who cares, I am going on vacation! I will do whatever it takes! And that's just what I am doing.

Preston's Aunt Judy's sister-in-law, who I pretty much consider them our aunt and uncle! Stephanie, is such a sweet lady who really cares about us and our happiness and I feel that she really understands us and what we have been going through these past few years! We really need a house to stay at if we go on vacation, it just makes things easier...I can't imagine a hotel...and they very lovingly are letting us use their house at the beach!!!

You know, so many things have gone crazy for us...I use to feel like God was testing us, but you know, I don't think that is it at all, I think this is how God chooses to use us! He doesn't test us!! We are vessels for Him, and if through our crazy lives, He can use us, go for it! Everything I do here on earth is so worth it if I can be of use to Him. Sometimes I find myself being of little importance, but I'm not. I'm finding myself almost feeling sort of privileged that He can use me, that I am so flexible and that is how He created me!

A couple of months ago, I think He showed me just how much He LOVES ME!! I started seeing my sweet little Jessie go from being super confident in who she is and what she has to someone who started becoming affected by the way we live (sort of sloppy since the twins have come along!) I really can't remember the last time I vacuumed my entire house all at once...it's sort of become I vacuum when it can't be picked up real fast with a broom or the cracks in our wood floors become filled with dirt and scum...anyway, we were at my mother-in-law's house, which is always clean, I don't care what she might tell you, it's always clean!! And Jessie said to me, "Mommy, I like being at my Momaw's house. It's always so clean!" And then she said, "I don't like our house, it's all messy." Now might I add, we have been trying to finish the addition to our house that we had to add when we found out that we were having twins...which has now been a project going on for 2 years...so I'm not really sure if she is talking about the outside or inside...but probably both!! And to be quite honest with you, I don't like our house either, so it's a hard argument to have with her since I pretty much agree. But it's our life!! and our house! :)

Anyway, I was starting to see my little girl who had never expressed any sort of embarrassment or thoughts of shame, show those signs. It broke my heart to think that Jessie was not ok in her skin...or at least that is the way I looked at it.

Now might I add, we clean up anytime someone comes over that isn't use to our mess, but we can tend to live pretty messily...and if you had twins and were me, (keep in mind, this is me, someone who can leave a sink full of dishes and go outside to play instead of washing them) you would choose to live this way also. Preston also doesn't mind it...it's sort of an understanding that we both have...we'd both rather go play.

And, there are definitely moms out there with more kids than I have and they keep an immaculate home...more power to them...you go girl! But I'm not one of them. If my kids are sick, I'll clean like crazy trying to kill the germs when I have a moment to do so...other than that, it can sit there until nap time or morning time before everyone gets up...or just a time that suits me! Cleaning and neatness is not a priority to me. Until Jessie expressed her shame...gosh, that just crushed my heart. To think that she was ashamed led me to these next thoughts...

I NEVER want my kid to feel shame or ashamed of who she is or where she lives or the life she lives...because she and Will and Ruby are stinkin' awesome! The BEST kids ever...here I go gloating on my kids...but you get it...I want them be happy with who they are and who God has made them...leading me in to my next thought...this was an ah ha moment...

If I feel this way, this broken hearted over my kid not being happy with who she is or what she has and I am the one responsible with helping her to be this person...then how must God feel when I am ashamed of who He has created me to be, who He wants me to be, how He finds me to be so that He can use me...He created me and has blessed my life in more ways than I recognize...I am breaking His heart with my feelings of shame or guilt or unhappiness...because He created me in His image and He knows best for ME!! I should be proud of what He has made me, who He has made me! I just love to think this thought...that He has made me be EXACTLY who HE wants me to be!!!! I am proud!

With all of that being said, what I am trying to say is that once I realized all of this, and it clicked and I have become a little more comfortable and proud of who I am and why I am this way, things have just sort of been happening for us...things that could not happen if God didn't love me and my family so stinkin' much...Preston has an awesome job at private school...Jessie is starting kindergarten next year...Jessie will be going to Preston's school with him there!!!! Jessie will be attending a private school...what in the world? We can't afford a private school! But God is making this possible! And then don't forget, Bald Head Island, not exactly the place we can afford a family vacation...but we are going...because there are people in our life who love us so much and want happiness for us...I truly believe that the family who is sending us to Bald Head Island thinks of us as their children...and we are...actually, we are ALL brothers and sisters in Christ, believers or not, He LOVES us all and we should all treat one another as "we would want to be treated." He is so awesome and loves us so much! And the family who sent us to Bald Head Island did this and showed us God's love! How awesome!!!

Though some times may be tougher than others, it's always sweet! And I am learning through tough and good how to be the woman, wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter, and friend He wants me to be. I have to remember that my life here on earth and all of my many blessings are a gift from Him...I am a vessel for Him. I need to put myself to the side...quit taking notes, quit taking tabs, quit worrying about who does or did or didn't do what, quit being envious, quit wanting things that really don't make any difference. I need to think of myself being a daughter of Christ!!! Not the daughter of Ned and Debbie Devine, the daughter of an incredible Father...(not that God has not blessed me with wonderful earthly parents and family and friends, because He has, I am truly blessed!!)