I have really been struggling with myself. Here are some questions I ask myself...not numbered by importance, only how they entered my mind while typing this out:
1-Am I at my full potential? myself as a wife first, mom second, family member third, and friend. I need to learn to be myself...and that's it. Be who God has made me to be and allow Him to mold me that way. I sort of want to make this my prayer for the rest of the year. And maybe after a year I'll be myself and close to my full potential! And forget about what others think or how they might view me, or who I think they think I should be. (Does that even make sense? Well, it does in my head!)
I have been having a hard time dealing with what it is that I am suppose to do.
2-Am I missing out on something by not taking my kids out in public more often? Am I missing out on something by not sacrificing our budget a little to put them in a mother's morning out program? Or am I doing right by keeping them home with me? I mean, Will and Ruby hardly ever fight, they don't know to bite someone, they are sweet hearted little people and I think part of it is because they don't know to act any other way. Those thoughts haven't been introduced to them yet. And, it's not like my kids can't function in public, or be left with someone else...so I'll leave that one alone for now...I'll not waste time contemplating that one any longer. I feel pretty good about it.
3-Am I missing out on something by not being able to do more things with my friends? Well, I might leave that alone too since it is more of a conflict of time and sometimes interests. It is hard for me to do things with them since our schedules conflict often. I have a better chance to go out during the evening hours and not morning. It doesn't interest me to take my kids to a restaurant and pay for food when I don't even get to enjoy it. I can enjoy my own food here in my home for a lot cheaper and if my kids choose to not eat their food, it's not nearly as much money down the drain. So, I think I'll not ponder that one any more either. Even though, I often feel left out since I can't ever really be a part of their group (look, I don't even call it "my" group because I really am starting to not feel part of it,) I think I am starting to get use to it, and starting to accept it better than I used to. Maybe that is how God is fixing me, preparing me for my next step...molding me in to the woman who I need to be, maybe even who I need to be surrounded by. Or maybe just right now, I need separation from them for some reason. Because I really do love these girls, but it's just not really working out for me to hang out with them. It saddens me, but that's life too.
4-Am I a good wife? I think that can only be answered by Preston. But to me, I think I'm pretty sorry. I sort of don't like all of the duties that are involved. And not as far as being a wife to Preston, but I don't like the "house"wife part of the job. I am awful at cleaning and keeping clean and laundry and washing dishes. I just don't like that part. As far as being a partner to my husband, I LOVE it! Now, am I good at it, that's what you have to ask him. Am I at my full potential, pretty sure I'm not there yet. But I know this much, I love him more than anything and I am SO thankful that God gave me him...that He made Preston just for me!!! I can honestly tell you that I LOVE him with all of my heart. He is my partner in this crazy life and I'm so glad that he is willing to take this journey along beside me! He's my soul mate.
5-Am I a good mom? Probably not at my full potential there either. I want to be, but there are times I just get tired of it. Isn't that awful? Well, it makes me feel bad. I want to be a better mom, but shouldn't we all want to strive to be better at everything we do.
I mean, as an artist, I know that my artwork is never really finished. There is always something else to add or take it a step further...I should ask someone else their opinion of it, take advice from a professional artist and allow it to sink in...it's never finished. I think that's why I'm never really satisfied with my work. You just have to be done with your artwork at some point. And at the end of every day, I am done with my job of being a mom. Tomorrow is a new canvas. Just like my artwork, when I finish it, I have to be done and feel good about it, but at the same time I can look at it and get feed back from others and take that advice and use it for the next piece of artwork. And that's how I should view my day to day job of being a mom, at the end of the day I should reflect on it and decide if there is anything I could have handled different or look at it and know, that was a good day. And seek the help and advice of other moms who can help me be better or handle situations differently so that the next time, I can hope to get it right or handle it better.
I feel that every day is a learning experience. Especially with Jessie, my oldest. I've never been a mom of a 5 year old, and well, with twins, I've never dealt with two at the same age both different genders before. I guess I can be ok with not feeling like I am the best mom, because every day is new and every day brings on it's new challenges and excitements. So, I'm going to leave that one alone. I am doing my best and I tried to follow God's will and teachings in how to be a parent. Do I do it all the time? No, I'm quite sure I let Him down a lot...but I do try. So, as far as this question goes...I'm fine with having it. I think every mom should wonder this. I think it's what keeps us trying to be/do better.
6-Am I good daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, and granddaughter, and even family member in general? Gosh, I'd hate to hear the answer to this question. I try, I really do. But all of these things, plus mom and wife, and friend...I know I let someone down. I feel like recently, it's been sister, sister-in-law, and granddaughter that I am lacking in doing a good job. I really need to do better at all of these duties.
As far as a daughter, I'm not sure that I am being as good of a daughter to these two sets of parents that we have as they are being good parents to us. I am one blessed girl when it comes to having parents who love and take care of me. I don't deserve their love, generosity, and grace. But as I am aware, I am their kid and you can't help but love them no matter what they throw your way. I love my parents and Preston's and I do my best to show them...but life gets in the way sometimes, and causes me to not show them how I really feel. I often take them all for granted. I'm just thankful that they love me so much.
I am truly blessed...and it goes the same with my grandparents and sisters, I am very blessed. I know that all of these people LOVE me a whole lot. And I'll leave that one alone too...I can't really judge myself on this one...I can only say, I should strive to be better at all of these duties!!
So, I guess what I have learned from all of this typing and random thinking is that at the end of the day, it's over. I need to reflect on it, and I need to work on it to make it better for tomorrow. My learning experience as a person is never learned, it is always and will always be a learning experience. A work in progress. And where I am going to fail is when I think I have mastered it, when I quit asking myself these questions, when I quit wondering if I am a good person and at my full potential...that's when I will quit trying. I will from now on, take my lessons and build off of them for tomorrow.
YAY! I have life figured out! :) Just kidding...
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