My heart...and well, it's not about me...

Since October 21st, I have been praying so hard for this little guy Ezra Matthews http://thematthewsstory.com/ he has neuroblastoma...a cancer that I'm pretty sure I've never heard of. Jamie Cline (a friend of mine from high school) posted this little guys website on her facebook (I've found a good point for facebook) and ever since she did, I cannot quite obsessing with it. I check it about 4 to 5 times a day. I pray like I've never prayed for another family before. I mean I've prayed for other families, but not like this...I get down on my knees...I pray and sort of plea with God, "Please show us your miracle! Heal this child. Give peace to his mom and dad. Wrap your arms around them."...and so on.

This sweet little child who is dying right now reminds me so much of my sweet little Will. And all I can think of is if this were one of my kids. How much it must hurt to see them hurt and they not understand what is going on, and see them be brave and suffer at the same time because they don't know any different.

And then my attention is turned to the parents. I can't even imagine the decisions they have had to make for their child. And the fact that when you have a child, as far back as the moment you find out you are pregnant with him/her all you can think about is their future and your future with them, holding them, kissing them, feeling their sweet arms around you, caring for them, loving them, experiencing different occasions with them, their school, their college, their marriage, their children, and so on...and you can't help but hope for those moments, even when you know the reality is that those moments are not promised. No one thinks about their child one day not being there beside of them. And I cannot imagine knowing that the possibility of that happening is stronger than not for the Matthews. And on the other side of these feelings is what if the child survives, what will life be like for him, what are the long term side affects of these drugs that they have poisoned my child with? But does that even matter because that child is still here with you?

I have gotten attached to several stories about children who have cancer, it sort of started in March of this year, first was Anna Brooks http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/annabrooks, lost her battle, then, Ellie Potvin, http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/Elliepotvin, lost her battle, little girl named Grace from Weddington, lost her battle...and now I have the privilege of being a little boy, by the name of Taylor Gibbs prayer partner at SouthLake, he's in Jessie's class...survivor!! in remission now since Spring of this year, http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/taylorgibbs, and a little boy by the name of Joshua Paryz, http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/joshuaparyz, who is right now battling leukemia, trying to get to a point of remission, and then this little Ezra Matthews, who's website I posted earlier in this message, fighting like crazy trying to just prolong life. My heart goes out to all of these families, those who have lost their sweet children and those who have watched their kids go through chemo and the horrible monster this cancer is. There has to be a cure out there somewhere!!

My question to myself and God, is why are these stories such huge impacts on my life...why can I not go an hour without thinking about them, especially Ezra because I know he is two, and his cancer is so progressed and he really is dying. I've googled neuroblastoma, and I haven't read about a kid surviving neuroblastoma stage 4 yet...not that it doesn't happen, just haven't come across the kid who survived it that late in the game...but it sounds like there is no cure for neuroblastoma, that there is only prolonging life. I just can't imagine the brick wall you just hit when you find out something like this about your child.

So, why has little Ezra's story impacted my life so much? I mean there are tens of thousands of kids dying of cancer every day. Why did God show me Ezra's story? Why has this particular story been brought to my attention? I wish I knew. Except this morning, I think I may have figured some of it out. It's not because God wants me to hug my kids today more than any other day. It's not because He wants me to be thankful that my kid doesn't have cancer (because let's face it, only He knows if one of my kids ever will have cancer, nothing makes me special that one of my kids won't have cancer.)

But I'm to have faith in God ALONE! I love Hebrews 11:1. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Pray for others, pray for them as I would pray for myself. Pray and have a heart for them as if they were my own because they are my brother and sister in Christ. Care for others! That has been my biggest lesson out of all these stories! Put others first, and I mean first! That is what Jesus did...I mean He died for me...God gave His SON for my sins!! For me, awful sinful me! (not that I think that bad of myself) Am I deserving of someone to die for? I mean, I know my mom or dad would gladly die for me, but what about a perfect stranger? Talk about grace. God's grace is unimaginable and that infinity sign would be beside his name! I truly believe that...His love for me goes on and on into the depths of space and back again. I am to love others the way Jesus loved others...which I fall so short of, but I can try my best.

Abraham was asked to sacrifice his only son, Isaac, his son that was promised to him and Sarah by God. Abraham never gave up on having a son because God promised him a son...even when Abraham and Sarah were WAY TOO old to conceive a child, he and Sarah became pregnant and the received that son that was promised so many years ago...talk about being faithful...Abraham and Sarah were perfect examples of Hebrews 11:1. Abraham, when Isaac was young man, was asked to sacrifice him, and he was ready and willing to do so. I can't imagine what that felt like...as I cannot imagine how it felt to God to sacrifice His only son. Talk about faith in Abraham's part and love and grace in God's part. Both sacrificed for someone else. God was deserving for the sacrifice of Isaac, but could I sacrifice or give up my son or daughter for God willingly? As I feel anyone who has to let go of their child and realize it is for God's purposes? And can I whole heartedly give someone else the grace that God has given me? I feel like that is what parents have to do when they let go of their child...give up their child for God's purpose. (not that we have a choice, but we do have a choice in how we handle/conduct ourselves when something like that happens.)

Those last two paragraphs, I believe are why God has laid on my heart so heavily all of these children and right now Ezra Matthew's story. Because I need to pray like there is no tomorrow for this family. I need to think about them over myself and my silly little petty issues. I need to get over myself and really think of others...others' lives...others' circumstances...because after all it's not all about me!! Life is not all about me!!!!