I love "Ah ha" moments. Moments when God reveals stuff to me. Stuff that maybe once upon a time I took for granted...stuff such as loving my brother and sister in Christ, which is EVERYONE!! pretty sure I have not always completely and whole heartedly done this.
I will hopefully place what I have learned and experienced way down deep in my heart so that it doesn't leave, but not so far that it is hidden. I pray that I become more like Jesus, the sinless, loving and caring of all people Jesus (not that I can be sinless, but for me to understand that Jesus sought his Father's will, for me to respect that I need to push toward that and not take for granted what it is and the way that Jesus loved people.) And I believe that this story has help me get a little closer, and even more clearer idea of what it is that I need to be pushing toward...
Hey girl! (this is long, sorry! but I think it's good...read it when you have time to sit and read.)
I am still pretty tore up over this whole deal. Just heart breaking. I read the dad's website last night before I went to bed...
I had a sweet weekend this weekend of celebrating lives...2 birthday parties and a baby shower...how appropriate after the week of literally mourning a little boy's death that I don't even know [And really to say mourning his death, is probably not accurate, it's more like mourning his parent's loss...I mean, Ezra won with the best reward ever...no more pain, suffering, sin, he is perfect and in a perfect place. I don't think our human minds can really imagine what perfect is. So, I'm not mourning for Ezra, I'm mourning for his parents' loss.] It's amazing what blogging can do, how attached I have gotten to a little boy I don't know through his dad's thoughts. [But I am seeing that it is because I do have that love that I speak about for others. It is because I do care for others and love everyone why I care for this family so deeply. But I need to quit looking for those who I can have something in common with to show this type of love to. I need to open my eyes to a wounded world of hurt in so many different ways, not only imagining what it would be like to lose a child, because I can imagine how badly that would hurt since I am a mom. I also need to learn to rejoice with others, truly, whole heartedly rejoice when they are rejoicing. I need to learn to sing praise as well as love for those who are hurting...I have a lot to learn!]
Anyway, I feel like God has really been messing in my life lately...I love it when I get answers from my prayers...those sort of "Ah ha" moments...I got one in the shower last night...that's about the only time I truly get all by myself, I take long showers and spend that time really talking to God...just He and me...
Last night while I was showering...I sort of played everything back in my mind from Oct. 21 when I found out about Ezra and cried (glad Preston was already asleep by the time I got in the bed, he would wonder what was wrong and it was too long of a story to start then)...I remembered praying at times, literally on my knees, for this little guy. I wanted SO bad for him to be a miracle that I could experience. I wanted him to be the miracle that I haven't really experienced (I know I shouldn't tell God in a way of expecting, but I have to admit I pleaded with Him to heal little Ezra... for his parents' sake really, now that I think about it.)
So, ever since Ezra died, I have realized that he wasn't going to be the miracle that I would get to experience...because I truly believe in God's miracles of healing still today...not touch someone's forehead and be healed...but I believe He still heals people miraculously. I just want to see it, sort of affirm what I believe...you know, I hear about it happening all over the world and I never really experience it first hand, even though Ezra isn't exactly first hand, but I've gotten so attached it felt like it. And cancer sucks so bad, why shouldn't this little guy be the one to be miraculously healed?
I have continued to pray...it was such perfect timing and I even believe that God had you send me that song so that I would read 2 Samuel, the story of King David when his son died how he had been mourning and pleading with God, once his son was dead, he picked himself up and worshipped and even later went on to write a song...it's just a beautiful story and it continues to give me chill bumps.
But it sort of helped me realize how ever incredibly sad the situation is, you still have to go on and truly worship God, because He is so worthy...and obviously healing Ezra was not His plan...there are just some things we don't understand, but it is God's plan. (So, I had to tell myself, "get over Deedie! Praise God anyway!"...not that I was angry, just disappointed and so sad/heart broken for his parents. I just can't imagine not ever getting to see one of my kids EVER again as long as I was here on earth, not to mention how sweet that little boy looked...he looked like he loved life even though he only really knew in and out of hospitals, that's all he ever experienced life to be.) [What an awesome testimony for a 2 year old to share!]
Anyway, my "Ah ha" moment in the shower last night...(I may leave the shower part out of my story when I blog this...some people may not read that right or might read a little too much in to it)...I was thinking back on my day that I had just spent...it was a fun day of literally celebrating a life (birthday) and a life that is about to start (baby shower.) But while I was at the birthday party I reconnected with a lady who is probably about 10 years older than us, she has three children and her daughter was at the party. She is actually married to my mom's counsin's son (so he is my mom's second cousin, my third.) I've really never gotten the opportunity to speak with her before...we know each other, but she didn't even know how many kids I have, that's how little we really know one another.
Anyway, we were talking, I knew her husband is sick with a really rare cancer...terminal, there's literally nothing the doctors can do except for chemo over and over and he can never be in remission even...the chemo would be only for keeping the cancer under control from taking over his entire body...so until his body gives up, he would continuously be poisoning his body and never again live a normal life. He wasn't given long at all to live once they found it...it was really sad, I can remember my mom telling me about it...and he has 3 children, his youngest was 2 when they found out...sweet family...and that broke my heart then.
So, as I was sitting there talking to her, I asked her about him. I asked how he was doing. I can remember going to my great uncle's (his grandpa) funeral last year and seeing him and thinking, "I thought this guy was supposedly dying?" I remember him standing up shaking my hand and thinking "Man, he looks good for a dying man...shoot, he looks good for a really healthy man."
I told her what I had thought when I saw him last year. I asked about him and whether or not he was cured...She said "no" and proceeded to tell about how he has gotten it under control...his diet (he has been juicing carrots and eating a 90% raw veggies diet, vitamins, no sugar, no caffeine) and now has very low cancer detection in his body...absolutely NO chemo or drugs. And this is 5 years later after they told him he had very little time to live. (but I must add, that he did try chemo and even had a stemcell transplant like Ezra did, and decided that the drugs made him feel so bad that he didn't want his kids to remember him that way, sick all the time, so he decided to go other routes and go off of the drugs. Since he had a terminal cancer, if he was going to die anyway, he just wanted his kids to not remember him the way the chemo made him feel.) [and might I add, I'm not saying that everyone should do this...give up on cancer and eat a raw veggie diet and that will cure you...I don't believe that at all...I believe that it works for him, but not everyone. There is a reason God has blessed our world with doctors, and education, and research. For him, it worked and seems to be the best thing for him...but I couldn't and he wouldn't say that it is for everyone. He also visits a nutritionist to help keep his body balanced. So, no, I am not saying that this is the way everyone should treat cancer and if you don't you're crazy or if you do, you're crazy.]
It is a sweet story!! Like I said, he still has cancer, but almost untraceable, and he only goes to the oncologist once a year now. Isn't that incredible.
That was my "Ah ha" moment...he was the miracle that I had been waiting for. He has three kids, and they still have a dad who can run and play with them and love on them. Isn't that a blessing!...a miracle!!
And it was sweet, she told me that when they were on a shuttle from the parking lot to take them up to the doors of hospital in Texas [this is where he received the stemcell transplant] they were riding with some really sick people...and several of them were kids...she said they had to hold back the tears and later they talked about it...how if it had to be them or their kids, how they are so glad it is them/him...and she went on to say how her husband would really take all the suffering for all of them (her, and all three kids.) He wouldn't want it any other way. Isn't that sweet.
That comment even led me to another "ah ha" moment...if that is how a father feels about his family (of which I'm sure both of our own husbands would want it that way also)...just imagine how much God loves us!! you, me!! EVERYONE!!! I will forever love to ponder that thought...because I believe what we experience here on earth is just a tiny glimpse of how much God loves us! How much God love EVERYONE of us in the entire world!!!
And then one more "Ah ha" moment...if I know God loves me that much and I know He loves ALL of His creation that way...then I should LOVE everyone else the same way as I love and care for my family...do I want them to live with me? No way! But I should care for everyone the same. I think that is what Kyle was trying to say to us about the "global level" of love/care...can't remember exactly his wording. But I think that is what he was saying. Believers or not, clean or dirty, mean or nice, murderer or not, poor or rich, [drive a beater or beamer, sweet or mean, loving or not,] we should all love and care for one another...we are ALL brothers and sisters in Christ! Truly try to be like Jesus...I believe if Jesus were here, he'd be hanging out at the bars and clubs...he wouldn't be hanging out all the time at church...he would go to church to worship his Father together with his friends [and that is what church should be like, lift one another up, prepare ourselves and pump ourselves up about sharing Jesus with those who are lost, prepare us to learn how to share Jesus with them.]
Isn't that sweet! I just wanted to write it out to you, what I have gotten from all of this...it literally took me an hour to get all of this down...sorry, hopefully it doesn't take you that long to read it!
Please, feel free to share with me what you have gotten from it, I'd love to read it!! I do have a new outlook on life...and I've gotten a lot of confirmation in what I have already believed...it's sort of been good that I haven't been wrapped up in some bible study right now, because I have really allowed myself to be open to this situation and all that God has to show me through it. It's been sweet time with God lately. I hope your experience has been sweet also.
Talk to you later! And I do still want to get in on a bible study. Yesterday we visited Lake Forrest...oh my goodness, I LOVED it. If I hear of a bible study there, I'll let you know. It seems to be an amazing church with a lot of outreach.
Later gator! :)
I believe all of that is what I got out of this! Isn't it sweet?!!!
I don't want you to think that before this experience I used to not love everyone...this experience has just shown me how IMPORTANT it is to show this outloud...yes, I meant "show outloud!" because, I don't always show it so surely,... I mean it,... and sometimes don't show it or share it. From now on, I'm honest with people my true feelings and love for them. I'll not hold back, because what if the love and care that I show someone is the only love and care that they receive for that day. I sometimes hold back with the thought that person doesn't know me, they are going to think I'm being fake...but who cares. I don't care any more. And now, even more than ever, I am seeing how important it is to forgive and forget, love them!! My life I hope and pray will be forever changed by this experience. I am ready to change...to "live is Christ and to die is gain!"
Love with a loving heart!
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