Finally, it's here...

I have been complaining since summer break began (Jessie ended preschool and Preston was out for the summer) that I want to go to the beach. The week before Father's day my mom and dad went to the beach and so did everyone else in the world...except for me and my family. And ever since I have been complaining of how I want to go!!! And FINALLY, I am leaving today!!!! Well, today to go to Cary, spend the night and then go to the beach bright and early in the morning!!!

We are going to Bald Head Island! I am so excited! I feel like it is Christmas. I just found out yesterday that if we go, we should go down tomorrow! Wow! Tomorrow! I had yesterday afternoon and evening to start washing all 5 of our loads of laundry (5 meaning, 5 different people's dirty clothes that have collected for a week, not sure of how many loads I actually washed!) But who cares, I am going on vacation! I will do whatever it takes! And that's just what I am doing.

Preston's Aunt Judy's sister-in-law, who I pretty much consider them our aunt and uncle! Stephanie, is such a sweet lady who really cares about us and our happiness and I feel that she really understands us and what we have been going through these past few years! We really need a house to stay at if we go on vacation, it just makes things easier...I can't imagine a hotel...and they very lovingly are letting us use their house at the beach!!!

You know, so many things have gone crazy for us...I use to feel like God was testing us, but you know, I don't think that is it at all, I think this is how God chooses to use us! He doesn't test us!! We are vessels for Him, and if through our crazy lives, He can use us, go for it! Everything I do here on earth is so worth it if I can be of use to Him. Sometimes I find myself being of little importance, but I'm not. I'm finding myself almost feeling sort of privileged that He can use me, that I am so flexible and that is how He created me!

A couple of months ago, I think He showed me just how much He LOVES ME!! I started seeing my sweet little Jessie go from being super confident in who she is and what she has to someone who started becoming affected by the way we live (sort of sloppy since the twins have come along!) I really can't remember the last time I vacuumed my entire house all at once...it's sort of become I vacuum when it can't be picked up real fast with a broom or the cracks in our wood floors become filled with dirt and scum...anyway, we were at my mother-in-law's house, which is always clean, I don't care what she might tell you, it's always clean!! And Jessie said to me, "Mommy, I like being at my Momaw's house. It's always so clean!" And then she said, "I don't like our house, it's all messy." Now might I add, we have been trying to finish the addition to our house that we had to add when we found out that we were having twins...which has now been a project going on for 2 years...so I'm not really sure if she is talking about the outside or inside...but probably both!! And to be quite honest with you, I don't like our house either, so it's a hard argument to have with her since I pretty much agree. But it's our life!! and our house! :)

Anyway, I was starting to see my little girl who had never expressed any sort of embarrassment or thoughts of shame, show those signs. It broke my heart to think that Jessie was not ok in her skin...or at least that is the way I looked at it.

Now might I add, we clean up anytime someone comes over that isn't use to our mess, but we can tend to live pretty messily...and if you had twins and were me, (keep in mind, this is me, someone who can leave a sink full of dishes and go outside to play instead of washing them) you would choose to live this way also. Preston also doesn't mind it...it's sort of an understanding that we both have...we'd both rather go play.

And, there are definitely moms out there with more kids than I have and they keep an immaculate home...more power to them...you go girl! But I'm not one of them. If my kids are sick, I'll clean like crazy trying to kill the germs when I have a moment to do so...other than that, it can sit there until nap time or morning time before everyone gets up...or just a time that suits me! Cleaning and neatness is not a priority to me. Until Jessie expressed her shame...gosh, that just crushed my heart. To think that she was ashamed led me to these next thoughts...

I NEVER want my kid to feel shame or ashamed of who she is or where she lives or the life she lives...because she and Will and Ruby are stinkin' awesome! The BEST kids ever...here I go gloating on my kids...but you get it...I want them be happy with who they are and who God has made them...leading me in to my next thought...this was an ah ha moment...

If I feel this way, this broken hearted over my kid not being happy with who she is or what she has and I am the one responsible with helping her to be this person...then how must God feel when I am ashamed of who He has created me to be, who He wants me to be, how He finds me to be so that He can use me...He created me and has blessed my life in more ways than I recognize...I am breaking His heart with my feelings of shame or guilt or unhappiness...because He created me in His image and He knows best for ME!! I should be proud of what He has made me, who He has made me! I just love to think this thought...that He has made me be EXACTLY who HE wants me to be!!!! I am proud!

With all of that being said, what I am trying to say is that once I realized all of this, and it clicked and I have become a little more comfortable and proud of who I am and why I am this way, things have just sort of been happening for us...things that could not happen if God didn't love me and my family so stinkin' much...Preston has an awesome job at private school...Jessie is starting kindergarten next year...Jessie will be going to Preston's school with him there!!!! Jessie will be attending a private school...what in the world? We can't afford a private school! But God is making this possible! And then don't forget, Bald Head Island, not exactly the place we can afford a family vacation...but we are going...because there are people in our life who love us so much and want happiness for us...I truly believe that the family who is sending us to Bald Head Island thinks of us as their children...and we are...actually, we are ALL brothers and sisters in Christ, believers or not, He LOVES us all and we should all treat one another as "we would want to be treated." He is so awesome and loves us so much! And the family who sent us to Bald Head Island did this and showed us God's love! How awesome!!!

Though some times may be tougher than others, it's always sweet! And I am learning through tough and good how to be the woman, wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter, and friend He wants me to be. I have to remember that my life here on earth and all of my many blessings are a gift from Him...I am a vessel for Him. I need to put myself to the side...quit taking notes, quit taking tabs, quit worrying about who does or did or didn't do what, quit being envious, quit wanting things that really don't make any difference. I need to think of myself being a daughter of Christ!!! Not the daughter of Ned and Debbie Devine, the daughter of an incredible Father...(not that God has not blessed me with wonderful earthly parents and family and friends, because He has, I am truly blessed!!)