Got to get it out...

Today is one of those days that Satan is messing with me. One of those days I can't help but feel like I am not cut out for this...a stay at home mom of three, while Preston works EVERY day, including Saturday. We definitely need the money, but is it worth it? Is it worth my feeling of failure.

What I mean by failure is that I feel as if I may snap at any minute...I'm not like those moms whose kids misbehave and they ask, "Why did you do that? What made you want to misbehave? You need to try better." Before I get to that point, my mouth, or sometimes my hand, has acted before my brain. And I feel awful.

Yesterday I was on edge...to give you a little background of what my week has been like...I have been away from the house three times in a course of 5 days, there are days I don't even really go outside because it has been so hot, and to top it off I have PMS!! It's awful! I feel like my insides may explode even when I am just sitting or when I am trying to clean house with no one around bugging me. It's bad. And a guy has no clue...So, anyway, back to yesterday...My poor Jessie always get the blunt of my anger. We were sitting at the dinner table...first of all, the kid doesn't eat...she kept asking, "How many bites do I have to eat." Drives me up the wall. And then Preston and I were talking, she starting tugging on my shoulder and trying to interrupt our conversation. I yelled at her. She immediately started crying. My poor baby. I tried to tell her I was sorry once I realized the anger that had just been released from my mouth. And then she denied trying to interrupt. So I scolded her again and sent her to her room...this time a little more loving...and she listened. Thankfully!

I'm just awful. The poor kid deserves so much better than me as her mom. But how do I get her to listen? I'm pretty sure my anger lashing out at her isn't the way.

This makes me wonder, do I need drugs? I have no idea. Am I the only person in the world who does this...I mean I LOVE my kids with all of my heart. I have learned so much about love having had them. I have even learned of a glimpse of the love that God has for me...yet, He would NEVER lash out at me like that. I am trying to make my drug to help calm me be blogging and spending more time with God, praying for a much more loving heart...to be more like Him. Parent as He parents me.

And I need to do as I tell Jessie, breath first, then react. I need to remember to breath before I yell or spank my kids. I need to make sure that their action deserves my response. I need to listen and do as I try to teach Jessie.

But really, am I going to survive all three of my kids? I have no idea. I am glad that God is in control and I can rest assured that He gave me what He wants me to have. He has blessed me so much and has always been so faithful. I need to rely more on Him and a WHOLE LOT LESS on myself. I pray that He will help remind me of that. I am glad He is the author of my life!!! He KNOWS what is best for me. And I need to continue to communicate with Him. I need to remember how much I love my kids and how much I want them to want and need me and apply that to how God feels about me as His daughter that He loves ways more than I believe that I can comprehend.

That's all for now. I have to go get Will and Ruby up. It's time for them to get up this morning! Wish me luck! :) And God, thank you for the life you have given me. You have given me way more than I deserve and I love that you love me knowing that I can never love You the same...that my heart can't even comprehend that kind of love. I am in awe of You. Your blessings are abundant and undeserving by me...and yet you are so faithful!! You have given me a husband who doesn't deserve the way I treat him sometimes. He's an incredible husband and daddy...that will have to be a blog on another day. But You have truly blessed me with that guy...I wouldn't be the person that I am without him (when I'm nice that is! He has nothing to do with my meanness, that's all me...and Satan's help!)