"Patience, where are you?"... (Preston plays a lot of hide and go seek with our kids...it's fresh on the brain right now.)
Man, you would think after 2 years and 7 months (how long it's been since our lives changed...that was when we found out that we were having twins!) of learning what patience is and because of life experiences, you would think I have learned...or at least I would know where to find it!!! But still, I find that my patience are wearing thin...what is it that I am suppose to be doing with my life, or am I doing it and just not doing it to the potential that I am suppose to be in order to feel fulfillment from it.
I find myself looking on the internet, aimlessly looking for something, I don't even know what. I find myself checking my email, checking facebook, looking stupid things up online and poor google doesn't even know where to find it...it's crazy!!! I'm crazy!! I don't even know what I am expecting to find in my emails or on facebook, but I can't stay off of either of them for an entire day unless it's a weekend or I have a lot going on and I'm not near a computer. It is crazy! I can't even exactly explain it. What AM I looking for?
I often find myself being on this crazy schedule...Will and Ruby can sleep until 9:00, which gives me time to get mess done in the mornings which is usually wasted by being on here! I need to direct my anxiety somewhere.
I am doing some volunteer work and trying to get more involved in this church that we just visited. It's crazy too, because we have always taken our church involvement slow in case we don't like the church after all...but for some reason, I decided that we are going to jump right in there and get involved from the start. I found out that they preach the bible, and that's all I need to know...plus they have good children's programs...those things are important to me! I pray that this is the right thing to do. It's so unlike us. But I think this is a door that God has presented and I am going to run in it before it closes!! Maybe I'll find my patience there. :) or at least be reintroduced to patience again. I'll learn again to wait and find the faith that God has shown me that is so worth keeping and holding on to.
I have been taught these lessons of patience and faith over and over...and one of these days I am going to get it. I KNOW that it is worth being patient to see what it is that God has in store for me...I've seen it happen, I've seen patience play out in an awesome way. I KNOW that everything is in God's plan and I need to follow His will and walk through the doors that He presents to me.
Now, to know what door to walk through...and when to walk through it!...Although, I guess when I see the door, that's when I should walk through it. I just need to pray for the door, the right door(s)! And pray that I walk through the right doors to lead me to the ONE that I'm waiting for, if that should be the case! The one that will make me feel fulfilled...and until then, I need to keep counting and searching until I find it. And pray to find my patience again! Because I know God has something awesome He is preparing me for and I can't wait to find it...the only thing is that I need to wait! ;)
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Just a few questions for myself...
I have really been struggling with myself. Here are some questions I ask myself...not numbered by importance, only how they entered my mind while typing this out:
1-Am I at my full potential? myself as a wife first, mom second, family member third, and friend. I need to learn to be myself...and that's it. Be who God has made me to be and allow Him to mold me that way. I sort of want to make this my prayer for the rest of the year. And maybe after a year I'll be myself and close to my full potential! And forget about what others think or how they might view me, or who I think they think I should be. (Does that even make sense? Well, it does in my head!)
I have been having a hard time dealing with what it is that I am suppose to do.
2-Am I missing out on something by not taking my kids out in public more often? Am I missing out on something by not sacrificing our budget a little to put them in a mother's morning out program? Or am I doing right by keeping them home with me? I mean, Will and Ruby hardly ever fight, they don't know to bite someone, they are sweet hearted little people and I think part of it is because they don't know to act any other way. Those thoughts haven't been introduced to them yet. And, it's not like my kids can't function in public, or be left with someone else...so I'll leave that one alone for now...I'll not waste time contemplating that one any longer. I feel pretty good about it.
3-Am I missing out on something by not being able to do more things with my friends? Well, I might leave that alone too since it is more of a conflict of time and sometimes interests. It is hard for me to do things with them since our schedules conflict often. I have a better chance to go out during the evening hours and not morning. It doesn't interest me to take my kids to a restaurant and pay for food when I don't even get to enjoy it. I can enjoy my own food here in my home for a lot cheaper and if my kids choose to not eat their food, it's not nearly as much money down the drain. So, I think I'll not ponder that one any more either. Even though, I often feel left out since I can't ever really be a part of their group (look, I don't even call it "my" group because I really am starting to not feel part of it,) I think I am starting to get use to it, and starting to accept it better than I used to. Maybe that is how God is fixing me, preparing me for my next step...molding me in to the woman who I need to be, maybe even who I need to be surrounded by. Or maybe just right now, I need separation from them for some reason. Because I really do love these girls, but it's just not really working out for me to hang out with them. It saddens me, but that's life too.
4-Am I a good wife? I think that can only be answered by Preston. But to me, I think I'm pretty sorry. I sort of don't like all of the duties that are involved. And not as far as being a wife to Preston, but I don't like the "house"wife part of the job. I am awful at cleaning and keeping clean and laundry and washing dishes. I just don't like that part. As far as being a partner to my husband, I LOVE it! Now, am I good at it, that's what you have to ask him. Am I at my full potential, pretty sure I'm not there yet. But I know this much, I love him more than anything and I am SO thankful that God gave me him...that He made Preston just for me!!! I can honestly tell you that I LOVE him with all of my heart. He is my partner in this crazy life and I'm so glad that he is willing to take this journey along beside me! He's my soul mate.
5-Am I a good mom? Probably not at my full potential there either. I want to be, but there are times I just get tired of it. Isn't that awful? Well, it makes me feel bad. I want to be a better mom, but shouldn't we all want to strive to be better at everything we do.
I mean, as an artist, I know that my artwork is never really finished. There is always something else to add or take it a step further...I should ask someone else their opinion of it, take advice from a professional artist and allow it to sink in...it's never finished. I think that's why I'm never really satisfied with my work. You just have to be done with your artwork at some point. And at the end of every day, I am done with my job of being a mom. Tomorrow is a new canvas. Just like my artwork, when I finish it, I have to be done and feel good about it, but at the same time I can look at it and get feed back from others and take that advice and use it for the next piece of artwork. And that's how I should view my day to day job of being a mom, at the end of the day I should reflect on it and decide if there is anything I could have handled different or look at it and know, that was a good day. And seek the help and advice of other moms who can help me be better or handle situations differently so that the next time, I can hope to get it right or handle it better.
I feel that every day is a learning experience. Especially with Jessie, my oldest. I've never been a mom of a 5 year old, and well, with twins, I've never dealt with two at the same age both different genders before. I guess I can be ok with not feeling like I am the best mom, because every day is new and every day brings on it's new challenges and excitements. So, I'm going to leave that one alone. I am doing my best and I tried to follow God's will and teachings in how to be a parent. Do I do it all the time? No, I'm quite sure I let Him down a lot...but I do try. So, as far as this question goes...I'm fine with having it. I think every mom should wonder this. I think it's what keeps us trying to be/do better.
6-Am I good daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, and granddaughter, and even family member in general? Gosh, I'd hate to hear the answer to this question. I try, I really do. But all of these things, plus mom and wife, and friend...I know I let someone down. I feel like recently, it's been sister, sister-in-law, and granddaughter that I am lacking in doing a good job. I really need to do better at all of these duties.
As far as a daughter, I'm not sure that I am being as good of a daughter to these two sets of parents that we have as they are being good parents to us. I am one blessed girl when it comes to having parents who love and take care of me. I don't deserve their love, generosity, and grace. But as I am aware, I am their kid and you can't help but love them no matter what they throw your way. I love my parents and Preston's and I do my best to show them...but life gets in the way sometimes, and causes me to not show them how I really feel. I often take them all for granted. I'm just thankful that they love me so much.
I am truly blessed...and it goes the same with my grandparents and sisters, I am very blessed. I know that all of these people LOVE me a whole lot. And I'll leave that one alone too...I can't really judge myself on this one...I can only say, I should strive to be better at all of these duties!!
So, I guess what I have learned from all of this typing and random thinking is that at the end of the day, it's over. I need to reflect on it, and I need to work on it to make it better for tomorrow. My learning experience as a person is never learned, it is always and will always be a learning experience. A work in progress. And where I am going to fail is when I think I have mastered it, when I quit asking myself these questions, when I quit wondering if I am a good person and at my full potential...that's when I will quit trying. I will from now on, take my lessons and build off of them for tomorrow.
YAY! I have life figured out! :) Just kidding...
1-Am I at my full potential? myself as a wife first, mom second, family member third, and friend. I need to learn to be myself...and that's it. Be who God has made me to be and allow Him to mold me that way. I sort of want to make this my prayer for the rest of the year. And maybe after a year I'll be myself and close to my full potential! And forget about what others think or how they might view me, or who I think they think I should be. (Does that even make sense? Well, it does in my head!)
I have been having a hard time dealing with what it is that I am suppose to do.
2-Am I missing out on something by not taking my kids out in public more often? Am I missing out on something by not sacrificing our budget a little to put them in a mother's morning out program? Or am I doing right by keeping them home with me? I mean, Will and Ruby hardly ever fight, they don't know to bite someone, they are sweet hearted little people and I think part of it is because they don't know to act any other way. Those thoughts haven't been introduced to them yet. And, it's not like my kids can't function in public, or be left with someone else...so I'll leave that one alone for now...I'll not waste time contemplating that one any longer. I feel pretty good about it.
3-Am I missing out on something by not being able to do more things with my friends? Well, I might leave that alone too since it is more of a conflict of time and sometimes interests. It is hard for me to do things with them since our schedules conflict often. I have a better chance to go out during the evening hours and not morning. It doesn't interest me to take my kids to a restaurant and pay for food when I don't even get to enjoy it. I can enjoy my own food here in my home for a lot cheaper and if my kids choose to not eat their food, it's not nearly as much money down the drain. So, I think I'll not ponder that one any more either. Even though, I often feel left out since I can't ever really be a part of their group (look, I don't even call it "my" group because I really am starting to not feel part of it,) I think I am starting to get use to it, and starting to accept it better than I used to. Maybe that is how God is fixing me, preparing me for my next step...molding me in to the woman who I need to be, maybe even who I need to be surrounded by. Or maybe just right now, I need separation from them for some reason. Because I really do love these girls, but it's just not really working out for me to hang out with them. It saddens me, but that's life too.
4-Am I a good wife? I think that can only be answered by Preston. But to me, I think I'm pretty sorry. I sort of don't like all of the duties that are involved. And not as far as being a wife to Preston, but I don't like the "house"wife part of the job. I am awful at cleaning and keeping clean and laundry and washing dishes. I just don't like that part. As far as being a partner to my husband, I LOVE it! Now, am I good at it, that's what you have to ask him. Am I at my full potential, pretty sure I'm not there yet. But I know this much, I love him more than anything and I am SO thankful that God gave me him...that He made Preston just for me!!! I can honestly tell you that I LOVE him with all of my heart. He is my partner in this crazy life and I'm so glad that he is willing to take this journey along beside me! He's my soul mate.
5-Am I a good mom? Probably not at my full potential there either. I want to be, but there are times I just get tired of it. Isn't that awful? Well, it makes me feel bad. I want to be a better mom, but shouldn't we all want to strive to be better at everything we do.
I mean, as an artist, I know that my artwork is never really finished. There is always something else to add or take it a step further...I should ask someone else their opinion of it, take advice from a professional artist and allow it to sink in...it's never finished. I think that's why I'm never really satisfied with my work. You just have to be done with your artwork at some point. And at the end of every day, I am done with my job of being a mom. Tomorrow is a new canvas. Just like my artwork, when I finish it, I have to be done and feel good about it, but at the same time I can look at it and get feed back from others and take that advice and use it for the next piece of artwork. And that's how I should view my day to day job of being a mom, at the end of the day I should reflect on it and decide if there is anything I could have handled different or look at it and know, that was a good day. And seek the help and advice of other moms who can help me be better or handle situations differently so that the next time, I can hope to get it right or handle it better.
I feel that every day is a learning experience. Especially with Jessie, my oldest. I've never been a mom of a 5 year old, and well, with twins, I've never dealt with two at the same age both different genders before. I guess I can be ok with not feeling like I am the best mom, because every day is new and every day brings on it's new challenges and excitements. So, I'm going to leave that one alone. I am doing my best and I tried to follow God's will and teachings in how to be a parent. Do I do it all the time? No, I'm quite sure I let Him down a lot...but I do try. So, as far as this question goes...I'm fine with having it. I think every mom should wonder this. I think it's what keeps us trying to be/do better.
6-Am I good daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, and granddaughter, and even family member in general? Gosh, I'd hate to hear the answer to this question. I try, I really do. But all of these things, plus mom and wife, and friend...I know I let someone down. I feel like recently, it's been sister, sister-in-law, and granddaughter that I am lacking in doing a good job. I really need to do better at all of these duties.
As far as a daughter, I'm not sure that I am being as good of a daughter to these two sets of parents that we have as they are being good parents to us. I am one blessed girl when it comes to having parents who love and take care of me. I don't deserve their love, generosity, and grace. But as I am aware, I am their kid and you can't help but love them no matter what they throw your way. I love my parents and Preston's and I do my best to show them...but life gets in the way sometimes, and causes me to not show them how I really feel. I often take them all for granted. I'm just thankful that they love me so much.
I am truly blessed...and it goes the same with my grandparents and sisters, I am very blessed. I know that all of these people LOVE me a whole lot. And I'll leave that one alone too...I can't really judge myself on this one...I can only say, I should strive to be better at all of these duties!!
So, I guess what I have learned from all of this typing and random thinking is that at the end of the day, it's over. I need to reflect on it, and I need to work on it to make it better for tomorrow. My learning experience as a person is never learned, it is always and will always be a learning experience. A work in progress. And where I am going to fail is when I think I have mastered it, when I quit asking myself these questions, when I quit wondering if I am a good person and at my full potential...that's when I will quit trying. I will from now on, take my lessons and build off of them for tomorrow.
YAY! I have life figured out! :) Just kidding...
Monday, November 15, 2010
I think I got it...Beamer or Beater..."Ah ha"...
Below, in italics, is a message that I sent a good friend of mine today concerning Ezra Matthews and what his story has meant to me, anything bold and in brackets is added to this post. Poor girl had to read this ... or not, but I just had to get my thoughts out...this to me, was worth recording.
I love "Ah ha" moments. Moments when God reveals stuff to me. Stuff that maybe once upon a time I took for granted...stuff such as loving my brother and sister in Christ, which is EVERYONE!! pretty sure I have not always completely and whole heartedly done this.
I will hopefully place what I have learned and experienced way down deep in my heart so that it doesn't leave, but not so far that it is hidden. I pray that I become more like Jesus, the sinless, loving and caring of all people Jesus (not that I can be sinless, but for me to understand that Jesus sought his Father's will, for me to respect that I need to push toward that and not take for granted what it is and the way that Jesus loved people.) And I believe that this story has help me get a little closer, and even more clearer idea of what it is that I need to be pushing toward...
Hey girl! (this is long, sorry! but I think it's good...read it when you have time to sit and read.)
I am still pretty tore up over this whole deal. Just heart breaking. I read the dad's website last night before I went to bed...
I had a sweet weekend this weekend of celebrating lives...2 birthday parties and a baby shower...how appropriate after the week of literally mourning a little boy's death that I don't even know [And really to say mourning his death, is probably not accurate, it's more like mourning his parent's loss...I mean, Ezra won with the best reward ever...no more pain, suffering, sin, he is perfect and in a perfect place. I don't think our human minds can really imagine what perfect is. So, I'm not mourning for Ezra, I'm mourning for his parents' loss.] It's amazing what blogging can do, how attached I have gotten to a little boy I don't know through his dad's thoughts. [But I am seeing that it is because I do have that love that I speak about for others. It is because I do care for others and love everyone why I care for this family so deeply. But I need to quit looking for those who I can have something in common with to show this type of love to. I need to open my eyes to a wounded world of hurt in so many different ways, not only imagining what it would be like to lose a child, because I can imagine how badly that would hurt since I am a mom. I also need to learn to rejoice with others, truly, whole heartedly rejoice when they are rejoicing. I need to learn to sing praise as well as love for those who are hurting...I have a lot to learn!]
Anyway, I feel like God has really been messing in my life lately...I love it when I get answers from my prayers...those sort of "Ah ha" moments...I got one in the shower last night...that's about the only time I truly get all by myself, I take long showers and spend that time really talking to God...just He and me...
Last night while I was showering...I sort of played everything back in my mind from Oct. 21 when I found out about Ezra and cried (glad Preston was already asleep by the time I got in the bed, he would wonder what was wrong and it was too long of a story to start then)...I remembered praying at times, literally on my knees, for this little guy. I wanted SO bad for him to be a miracle that I could experience. I wanted him to be the miracle that I haven't really experienced (I know I shouldn't tell God in a way of expecting, but I have to admit I pleaded with Him to heal little Ezra... for his parents' sake really, now that I think about it.)
So, ever since Ezra died, I have realized that he wasn't going to be the miracle that I would get to experience...because I truly believe in God's miracles of healing still today...not touch someone's forehead and be healed...but I believe He still heals people miraculously. I just want to see it, sort of affirm what I believe...you know, I hear about it happening all over the world and I never really experience it first hand, even though Ezra isn't exactly first hand, but I've gotten so attached it felt like it. And cancer sucks so bad, why shouldn't this little guy be the one to be miraculously healed?
I have continued to pray...it was such perfect timing and I even believe that God had you send me that song so that I would read 2 Samuel, the story of King David when his son died how he had been mourning and pleading with God, once his son was dead, he picked himself up and worshipped and even later went on to write a song...it's just a beautiful story and it continues to give me chill bumps.
But it sort of helped me realize how ever incredibly sad the situation is, you still have to go on and truly worship God, because He is so worthy...and obviously healing Ezra was not His plan...there are just some things we don't understand, but it is God's plan. (So, I had to tell myself, "get over Deedie! Praise God anyway!"...not that I was angry, just disappointed and so sad/heart broken for his parents. I just can't imagine not ever getting to see one of my kids EVER again as long as I was here on earth, not to mention how sweet that little boy looked...he looked like he loved life even though he only really knew in and out of hospitals, that's all he ever experienced life to be.) [What an awesome testimony for a 2 year old to share!]
Anyway, my "Ah ha" moment in the shower last night...(I may leave the shower part out of my story when I blog this...some people may not read that right or might read a little too much in to it)...I was thinking back on my day that I had just spent...it was a fun day of literally celebrating a life (birthday) and a life that is about to start (baby shower.) But while I was at the birthday party I reconnected with a lady who is probably about 10 years older than us, she has three children and her daughter was at the party. She is actually married to my mom's counsin's son (so he is my mom's second cousin, my third.) I've really never gotten the opportunity to speak with her before...we know each other, but she didn't even know how many kids I have, that's how little we really know one another.
Anyway, we were talking, I knew her husband is sick with a really rare cancer...terminal, there's literally nothing the doctors can do except for chemo over and over and he can never be in remission even...the chemo would be only for keeping the cancer under control from taking over his entire body...so until his body gives up, he would continuously be poisoning his body and never again live a normal life. He wasn't given long at all to live once they found it...it was really sad, I can remember my mom telling me about it...and he has 3 children, his youngest was 2 when they found out...sweet family...and that broke my heart then.
So, as I was sitting there talking to her, I asked her about him. I asked how he was doing. I can remember going to my great uncle's (his grandpa) funeral last year and seeing him and thinking, "I thought this guy was supposedly dying?" I remember him standing up shaking my hand and thinking "Man, he looks good for a dying man...shoot, he looks good for a really healthy man."
I told her what I had thought when I saw him last year. I asked about him and whether or not he was cured...She said "no" and proceeded to tell about how he has gotten it under control...his diet (he has been juicing carrots and eating a 90% raw veggies diet, vitamins, no sugar, no caffeine) and now has very low cancer detection in his body...absolutely NO chemo or drugs. And this is 5 years later after they told him he had very little time to live. (but I must add, that he did try chemo and even had a stemcell transplant like Ezra did, and decided that the drugs made him feel so bad that he didn't want his kids to remember him that way, sick all the time, so he decided to go other routes and go off of the drugs. Since he had a terminal cancer, if he was going to die anyway, he just wanted his kids to not remember him the way the chemo made him feel.) [and might I add, I'm not saying that everyone should do this...give up on cancer and eat a raw veggie diet and that will cure you...I don't believe that at all...I believe that it works for him, but not everyone. There is a reason God has blessed our world with doctors, and education, and research. For him, it worked and seems to be the best thing for him...but I couldn't and he wouldn't say that it is for everyone. He also visits a nutritionist to help keep his body balanced. So, no, I am not saying that this is the way everyone should treat cancer and if you don't you're crazy or if you do, you're crazy.]
It is a sweet story!! Like I said, he still has cancer, but almost untraceable, and he only goes to the oncologist once a year now. Isn't that incredible.
That was my "Ah ha" moment...he was the miracle that I had been waiting for. He has three kids, and they still have a dad who can run and play with them and love on them. Isn't that a blessing!...a miracle!!
And it was sweet, she told me that when they were on a shuttle from the parking lot to take them up to the doors of hospital in Texas [this is where he received the stemcell transplant] they were riding with some really sick people...and several of them were kids...she said they had to hold back the tears and later they talked about it...how if it had to be them or their kids, how they are so glad it is them/him...and she went on to say how her husband would really take all the suffering for all of them (her, and all three kids.) He wouldn't want it any other way. Isn't that sweet.
That comment even led me to another "ah ha" moment...if that is how a father feels about his family (of which I'm sure both of our own husbands would want it that way also)...just imagine how much God loves us!! you, me!! EVERYONE!!! I will forever love to ponder that thought...because I believe what we experience here on earth is just a tiny glimpse of how much God loves us! How much God love EVERYONE of us in the entire world!!!
And then one more "Ah ha" moment...if I know God loves me that much and I know He loves ALL of His creation that way...then I should LOVE everyone else the same way as I love and care for my family...do I want them to live with me? No way! But I should care for everyone the same. I think that is what Kyle was trying to say to us about the "global level" of love/care...can't remember exactly his wording. But I think that is what he was saying. Believers or not, clean or dirty, mean or nice, murderer or not, poor or rich, [drive a beater or beamer, sweet or mean, loving or not,] we should all love and care for one another...we are ALL brothers and sisters in Christ! Truly try to be like Jesus...I believe if Jesus were here, he'd be hanging out at the bars and clubs...he wouldn't be hanging out all the time at church...he would go to church to worship his Father together with his friends [and that is what church should be like, lift one another up, prepare ourselves and pump ourselves up about sharing Jesus with those who are lost, prepare us to learn how to share Jesus with them.]
Isn't that sweet! I just wanted to write it out to you, what I have gotten from all of this...it literally took me an hour to get all of this down...sorry, hopefully it doesn't take you that long to read it!
Please, feel free to share with me what you have gotten from it, I'd love to read it!! I do have a new outlook on life...and I've gotten a lot of confirmation in what I have already believed...it's sort of been good that I haven't been wrapped up in some bible study right now, because I have really allowed myself to be open to this situation and all that God has to show me through it. It's been sweet time with God lately. I hope your experience has been sweet also.
Talk to you later! And I do still want to get in on a bible study. Yesterday we visited Lake Forrest...oh my goodness, I LOVED it. If I hear of a bible study there, I'll let you know. It seems to be an amazing church with a lot of outreach.
Later gator! :)
I believe all of that is what I got out of this! Isn't it sweet?!!!
I don't want you to think that before this experience I used to not love everyone...this experience has just shown me how IMPORTANT it is to show this outloud...yes, I meant "show outloud!" because, I don't always show it so surely,... I mean it,... and sometimes don't show it or share it. From now on, I'm honest with people my true feelings and love for them. I'll not hold back, because what if the love and care that I show someone is the only love and care that they receive for that day. I sometimes hold back with the thought that person doesn't know me, they are going to think I'm being fake...but who cares. I don't care any more. And now, even more than ever, I am seeing how important it is to forgive and forget, love them!! My life I hope and pray will be forever changed by this experience. I am ready to change...to "live is Christ and to die is gain!"
Love with a loving heart!
I love "Ah ha" moments. Moments when God reveals stuff to me. Stuff that maybe once upon a time I took for granted...stuff such as loving my brother and sister in Christ, which is EVERYONE!! pretty sure I have not always completely and whole heartedly done this.
I will hopefully place what I have learned and experienced way down deep in my heart so that it doesn't leave, but not so far that it is hidden. I pray that I become more like Jesus, the sinless, loving and caring of all people Jesus (not that I can be sinless, but for me to understand that Jesus sought his Father's will, for me to respect that I need to push toward that and not take for granted what it is and the way that Jesus loved people.) And I believe that this story has help me get a little closer, and even more clearer idea of what it is that I need to be pushing toward...
Hey girl! (this is long, sorry! but I think it's good...read it when you have time to sit and read.)
I am still pretty tore up over this whole deal. Just heart breaking. I read the dad's website last night before I went to bed...
I had a sweet weekend this weekend of celebrating lives...2 birthday parties and a baby shower...how appropriate after the week of literally mourning a little boy's death that I don't even know [And really to say mourning his death, is probably not accurate, it's more like mourning his parent's loss...I mean, Ezra won with the best reward ever...no more pain, suffering, sin, he is perfect and in a perfect place. I don't think our human minds can really imagine what perfect is. So, I'm not mourning for Ezra, I'm mourning for his parents' loss.] It's amazing what blogging can do, how attached I have gotten to a little boy I don't know through his dad's thoughts. [But I am seeing that it is because I do have that love that I speak about for others. It is because I do care for others and love everyone why I care for this family so deeply. But I need to quit looking for those who I can have something in common with to show this type of love to. I need to open my eyes to a wounded world of hurt in so many different ways, not only imagining what it would be like to lose a child, because I can imagine how badly that would hurt since I am a mom. I also need to learn to rejoice with others, truly, whole heartedly rejoice when they are rejoicing. I need to learn to sing praise as well as love for those who are hurting...I have a lot to learn!]
Anyway, I feel like God has really been messing in my life lately...I love it when I get answers from my prayers...those sort of "Ah ha" moments...I got one in the shower last night...that's about the only time I truly get all by myself, I take long showers and spend that time really talking to God...just He and me...
Last night while I was showering...I sort of played everything back in my mind from Oct. 21 when I found out about Ezra and cried (glad Preston was already asleep by the time I got in the bed, he would wonder what was wrong and it was too long of a story to start then)...I remembered praying at times, literally on my knees, for this little guy. I wanted SO bad for him to be a miracle that I could experience. I wanted him to be the miracle that I haven't really experienced (I know I shouldn't tell God in a way of expecting, but I have to admit I pleaded with Him to heal little Ezra... for his parents' sake really, now that I think about it.)
So, ever since Ezra died, I have realized that he wasn't going to be the miracle that I would get to experience...because I truly believe in God's miracles of healing still today...not touch someone's forehead and be healed...but I believe He still heals people miraculously. I just want to see it, sort of affirm what I believe...you know, I hear about it happening all over the world and I never really experience it first hand, even though Ezra isn't exactly first hand, but I've gotten so attached it felt like it. And cancer sucks so bad, why shouldn't this little guy be the one to be miraculously healed?
I have continued to pray...it was such perfect timing and I even believe that God had you send me that song so that I would read 2 Samuel, the story of King David when his son died how he had been mourning and pleading with God, once his son was dead, he picked himself up and worshipped and even later went on to write a song...it's just a beautiful story and it continues to give me chill bumps.
But it sort of helped me realize how ever incredibly sad the situation is, you still have to go on and truly worship God, because He is so worthy...and obviously healing Ezra was not His plan...there are just some things we don't understand, but it is God's plan. (So, I had to tell myself, "get over Deedie! Praise God anyway!"...not that I was angry, just disappointed and so sad/heart broken for his parents. I just can't imagine not ever getting to see one of my kids EVER again as long as I was here on earth, not to mention how sweet that little boy looked...he looked like he loved life even though he only really knew in and out of hospitals, that's all he ever experienced life to be.) [What an awesome testimony for a 2 year old to share!]
Anyway, my "Ah ha" moment in the shower last night...(I may leave the shower part out of my story when I blog this...some people may not read that right or might read a little too much in to it)...I was thinking back on my day that I had just spent...it was a fun day of literally celebrating a life (birthday) and a life that is about to start (baby shower.) But while I was at the birthday party I reconnected with a lady who is probably about 10 years older than us, she has three children and her daughter was at the party. She is actually married to my mom's counsin's son (so he is my mom's second cousin, my third.) I've really never gotten the opportunity to speak with her before...we know each other, but she didn't even know how many kids I have, that's how little we really know one another.
Anyway, we were talking, I knew her husband is sick with a really rare cancer...terminal, there's literally nothing the doctors can do except for chemo over and over and he can never be in remission even...the chemo would be only for keeping the cancer under control from taking over his entire body...so until his body gives up, he would continuously be poisoning his body and never again live a normal life. He wasn't given long at all to live once they found it...it was really sad, I can remember my mom telling me about it...and he has 3 children, his youngest was 2 when they found out...sweet family...and that broke my heart then.
So, as I was sitting there talking to her, I asked her about him. I asked how he was doing. I can remember going to my great uncle's (his grandpa) funeral last year and seeing him and thinking, "I thought this guy was supposedly dying?" I remember him standing up shaking my hand and thinking "Man, he looks good for a dying man...shoot, he looks good for a really healthy man."
I told her what I had thought when I saw him last year. I asked about him and whether or not he was cured...She said "no" and proceeded to tell about how he has gotten it under control...his diet (he has been juicing carrots and eating a 90% raw veggies diet, vitamins, no sugar, no caffeine) and now has very low cancer detection in his body...absolutely NO chemo or drugs. And this is 5 years later after they told him he had very little time to live. (but I must add, that he did try chemo and even had a stemcell transplant like Ezra did, and decided that the drugs made him feel so bad that he didn't want his kids to remember him that way, sick all the time, so he decided to go other routes and go off of the drugs. Since he had a terminal cancer, if he was going to die anyway, he just wanted his kids to not remember him the way the chemo made him feel.) [and might I add, I'm not saying that everyone should do this...give up on cancer and eat a raw veggie diet and that will cure you...I don't believe that at all...I believe that it works for him, but not everyone. There is a reason God has blessed our world with doctors, and education, and research. For him, it worked and seems to be the best thing for him...but I couldn't and he wouldn't say that it is for everyone. He also visits a nutritionist to help keep his body balanced. So, no, I am not saying that this is the way everyone should treat cancer and if you don't you're crazy or if you do, you're crazy.]
It is a sweet story!! Like I said, he still has cancer, but almost untraceable, and he only goes to the oncologist once a year now. Isn't that incredible.
That was my "Ah ha" moment...he was the miracle that I had been waiting for. He has three kids, and they still have a dad who can run and play with them and love on them. Isn't that a blessing!...a miracle!!
And it was sweet, she told me that when they were on a shuttle from the parking lot to take them up to the doors of hospital in Texas [this is where he received the stemcell transplant] they were riding with some really sick people...and several of them were kids...she said they had to hold back the tears and later they talked about it...how if it had to be them or their kids, how they are so glad it is them/him...and she went on to say how her husband would really take all the suffering for all of them (her, and all three kids.) He wouldn't want it any other way. Isn't that sweet.
That comment even led me to another "ah ha" moment...if that is how a father feels about his family (of which I'm sure both of our own husbands would want it that way also)...just imagine how much God loves us!! you, me!! EVERYONE!!! I will forever love to ponder that thought...because I believe what we experience here on earth is just a tiny glimpse of how much God loves us! How much God love EVERYONE of us in the entire world!!!
And then one more "Ah ha" moment...if I know God loves me that much and I know He loves ALL of His creation that way...then I should LOVE everyone else the same way as I love and care for my family...do I want them to live with me? No way! But I should care for everyone the same. I think that is what Kyle was trying to say to us about the "global level" of love/care...can't remember exactly his wording. But I think that is what he was saying. Believers or not, clean or dirty, mean or nice, murderer or not, poor or rich, [drive a beater or beamer, sweet or mean, loving or not,] we should all love and care for one another...we are ALL brothers and sisters in Christ! Truly try to be like Jesus...I believe if Jesus were here, he'd be hanging out at the bars and clubs...he wouldn't be hanging out all the time at church...he would go to church to worship his Father together with his friends [and that is what church should be like, lift one another up, prepare ourselves and pump ourselves up about sharing Jesus with those who are lost, prepare us to learn how to share Jesus with them.]
Isn't that sweet! I just wanted to write it out to you, what I have gotten from all of this...it literally took me an hour to get all of this down...sorry, hopefully it doesn't take you that long to read it!
Please, feel free to share with me what you have gotten from it, I'd love to read it!! I do have a new outlook on life...and I've gotten a lot of confirmation in what I have already believed...it's sort of been good that I haven't been wrapped up in some bible study right now, because I have really allowed myself to be open to this situation and all that God has to show me through it. It's been sweet time with God lately. I hope your experience has been sweet also.
Talk to you later! And I do still want to get in on a bible study. Yesterday we visited Lake Forrest...oh my goodness, I LOVED it. If I hear of a bible study there, I'll let you know. It seems to be an amazing church with a lot of outreach.
Later gator! :)
I believe all of that is what I got out of this! Isn't it sweet?!!!
I don't want you to think that before this experience I used to not love everyone...this experience has just shown me how IMPORTANT it is to show this outloud...yes, I meant "show outloud!" because, I don't always show it so surely,... I mean it,... and sometimes don't show it or share it. From now on, I'm honest with people my true feelings and love for them. I'll not hold back, because what if the love and care that I show someone is the only love and care that they receive for that day. I sometimes hold back with the thought that person doesn't know me, they are going to think I'm being fake...but who cares. I don't care any more. And now, even more than ever, I am seeing how important it is to forgive and forget, love them!! My life I hope and pray will be forever changed by this experience. I am ready to change...to "live is Christ and to die is gain!"
Love with a loving heart!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
So who exactly reads my blog? Who are you?
I had a different idea of what I was going to write about today...but I'm still mourning that little baby's passing yesterday, I'm going this route...and because thinking of him and blogging and the fact that if his dad hadn't blogged or kept up a website on Ezra, I would have never known about this little guy. I would have never known to pray for him...so, blogging is pretty cool.
So this thought sparked interest to me, since I have only given out my blog to one other person that I know, who else is reading it? I just learned how to check my stats...I noticed that someone in Ireland has checked it out and 2 other countries...it could have been an accidental click on my link, but it's very interesting to me to know if someone has happened upon my blog. I cannot even find it by google searching it unless I actually type in the title I have given it. How did anyone happen upon it?
Getting back to what sparked me wanting to know who views my website, it is amazing to me that 2 weeks ago I would google search the Matthews their website would be a few items down the list and now it is the first thing on the list...it's pretty amazing how many people have clicked on their website to view it. And it is so amazing to me how many people they have reached all over the world just because of a blog.
And then, yesterday I heard of a mom who blogged about her son dressing up like Daphne for Halloween...and her blog received over 3 million hits? What? I mean really how did that happen, for something so lame. And the funny thing is, on tv yesterday, she wanted to leave her last name anonymous and her son's name completely anonymous...and yet she blogged about it...and 3 million people hit her blog? Come on!
But it does make this all more real...all of this blogging...put on here what you don't mind sharing with the world, because obviously anyone can read it.
One thing that frustrates me though, not that just anyone can read this, but if you read it, stalk it, comment on it!! Say something to the blogger. I really do try to do this if I read someone's blog because I want to know who has read mine.
So leave me a note! I'd love to hear from you. Or don't and continue to lurk in the shadows and I'll continue to wonder who you are in Ireland or where ever you are... :)
So this thought sparked interest to me, since I have only given out my blog to one other person that I know, who else is reading it? I just learned how to check my stats...I noticed that someone in Ireland has checked it out and 2 other countries...it could have been an accidental click on my link, but it's very interesting to me to know if someone has happened upon my blog. I cannot even find it by google searching it unless I actually type in the title I have given it. How did anyone happen upon it?
Getting back to what sparked me wanting to know who views my website, it is amazing to me that 2 weeks ago I would google search the Matthews their website would be a few items down the list and now it is the first thing on the list...it's pretty amazing how many people have clicked on their website to view it. And it is so amazing to me how many people they have reached all over the world just because of a blog.
And then, yesterday I heard of a mom who blogged about her son dressing up like Daphne for Halloween...and her blog received over 3 million hits? What? I mean really how did that happen, for something so lame. And the funny thing is, on tv yesterday, she wanted to leave her last name anonymous and her son's name completely anonymous...and yet she blogged about it...and 3 million people hit her blog? Come on!
But it does make this all more real...all of this blogging...put on here what you don't mind sharing with the world, because obviously anyone can read it.
One thing that frustrates me though, not that just anyone can read this, but if you read it, stalk it, comment on it!! Say something to the blogger. I really do try to do this if I read someone's blog because I want to know who has read mine.
So leave me a note! I'd love to hear from you. Or don't and continue to lurk in the shadows and I'll continue to wonder who you are in Ireland or where ever you are... :)
Monday, November 8, 2010
Sweet baby saw Jesus this morning...
Ezra Matthews died this morning at 2:50 a.m. He didn't win his battle of cancer here on earth, but he won his battle!! He received the most awesome reward ever when he saw Jesus in the wee hours of the morning this morning. He left this earth in the arms of his earthly parents to enter his eternal life in the arms of his REAL Father!
It just breaks my heart though for those he left behind. I can only imagine how his parents must feel...the emptiness of leaving an already dreaded hospital room filled with hope at times and yet in reality they knew this was probably more like it. I mean today was the day he was suppose to start back chemo...and instead it's a day that they had to start planning his celebration of life. But for Ezra, no more chemo...no more pain, no more suffering. I am so happy his mom and dad heard his voice too on Saturday before he left them forever.
(This story continues to bring tears to my eyes.)
We came home from Ansonville yesterday and I had a package in the mail. When I saw it I knew it was the cd a friend had sent me. I opened it and listened to the song she mentioned.
This CD is by the Canadian Tennors...#2 on the cd is Hallelujah...a powerful song sung by famous singers also...it's definitely a Christian song with an awesome tune/rhythm (whatever you call it, I am no musician,) but the song is about King David...you can look it up and probably listen to it on youtube...and the awesome thing about King David is that he sinned...lusted over a married woman/committed adultery/got a woman pregnant out of wedlock/and even killed a man/then married this now widow that he got pregnant...and you know, David was chosen by God and he was a very important man in the bible...and yet, he had a son with Bathsheba out of wedlock...God frowned on this and took him away from them...he died of an illness...David wept and sort of moped around/fasted before he died, I'm sure pleading for his life...God took him from David. Unexpectedly once David heard of his son's passing, instead of losing himself in the midst of losing a son, he brushed himself off and went to the house of the Lord and worshiped because he could not bring his son back...he was dead...what an incredible testimony...and then later on he and Bathsheba bore another son, Solomon...pretty cool story...2Samuel 11-12. Worth the read!
Anyway, David was a sinner...God loved him and still David knew suffering in a way I hope I never have to find out...(David probably knew a lot of suffering) but David was not too good for God to allow him to feel the pain of losing a child or suffering. Neither am I...I just hope it doesn't happen to me...I'd choose a different suffering...I'm afraid that type would leave me paralyzed, emotionally especially.
Everyone lives through so many different types of suffering...financial, death, sickness, emotional, physical abuse, addictions, and on...and the thing of it is that we have to in order to carry out God's plan..and it is so that we all have different testimonies to share...and we all affect God's ultimate plan for the world and the people living in it. Through our sufferings and celebrations, we all affect one another in one way or the other...and it is how we live through these times that we affect one another. David, I believe set a good Godly example of suffering through the loss of his son...he did this type well. I believe he brought glory to God's name.
Thinking about Ezra's death brings another thought to mind...this suffering and what it would be like. I believe that suffering the death of a child would be hell...that's what I think hell would feel like only multiplied by 100 and never let up. Not one of God's creation deserves that...not even the murderer I saw on tv today who has gotten the death sentence (that's a whole other topic of which I won't discuss on here.) Because I do believe in God's creation of man...I believe that we all know good, and it's our choice...at least at some point in our lives it was/is our choice.
I want everyone to now Jesus so that no one has to ever experience that pain. I hope to never know what hell feels like here on earth because if I ever do, it means I've lost a child. I can honestly not think of a worse thing.
I look at the Matthews, they seem very successful, I believe the dad is some sort of computer guy...they seem to have nice things, technology, pool, they live in Tampa, I can't imagine that is a cheap place to live that comfortably...but I have something they don't...I have three beautiful children. And they will be scarred by the death of two children...I can't imagine that...I can't envy their material things.
But because of their story, I realize that. I realize what is important in life. I realize what is important for real. When I look at people in general...I don't want to look at what they have or don't have...I don't want to look at they way they act or don't act...I don't want to think about where they live or don't live...I don't want to think about what they drive or don't drive...I don't want to think about their looks/cleanliness/uncleanliness/their amount of exercise or lack of...I want to look at them for the people who they are...for the people that God has created them to be...I want to look deeper than any thing superficial. I want to know that they are my brother and/or sister in Christ...we have the same FATHER!
I was just telling my sister-in-law this weekend how important family is to me. I've sort of had my "ups and downs" with friends throughout my life, but my sister is my sister no matter what ever happens...we will forever have the same blood running through our veins...same goes for my in-laws and my nieces and nephews, and our parents...But hey...wait a minute...I want to take it back...let me take it back, because we all have been made by the same hands! But sort of here on earth I will keep my family the closest and I will forever take care of them...but let me not forget who we all belong to!! and that is not my mom and dad or my in-laws...it is God our Father!!
So, yes, sweet Ezra is no longer suffering, he got to see our Father this morning! How sweet! I'll finish on that note!
It just breaks my heart though for those he left behind. I can only imagine how his parents must feel...the emptiness of leaving an already dreaded hospital room filled with hope at times and yet in reality they knew this was probably more like it. I mean today was the day he was suppose to start back chemo...and instead it's a day that they had to start planning his celebration of life. But for Ezra, no more chemo...no more pain, no more suffering. I am so happy his mom and dad heard his voice too on Saturday before he left them forever.
(This story continues to bring tears to my eyes.)
We came home from Ansonville yesterday and I had a package in the mail. When I saw it I knew it was the cd a friend had sent me. I opened it and listened to the song she mentioned.
This CD is by the Canadian Tennors...#2 on the cd is Hallelujah...a powerful song sung by famous singers also...it's definitely a Christian song with an awesome tune/rhythm (whatever you call it, I am no musician,) but the song is about King David...you can look it up and probably listen to it on youtube...and the awesome thing about King David is that he sinned...lusted over a married woman/committed adultery/got a woman pregnant out of wedlock/and even killed a man/then married this now widow that he got pregnant...and you know, David was chosen by God and he was a very important man in the bible...and yet, he had a son with Bathsheba out of wedlock...God frowned on this and took him away from them...he died of an illness...David wept and sort of moped around/fasted before he died, I'm sure pleading for his life...God took him from David. Unexpectedly once David heard of his son's passing, instead of losing himself in the midst of losing a son, he brushed himself off and went to the house of the Lord and worshiped because he could not bring his son back...he was dead...what an incredible testimony...and then later on he and Bathsheba bore another son, Solomon...pretty cool story...2Samuel 11-12. Worth the read!
Anyway, David was a sinner...God loved him and still David knew suffering in a way I hope I never have to find out...(David probably knew a lot of suffering) but David was not too good for God to allow him to feel the pain of losing a child or suffering. Neither am I...I just hope it doesn't happen to me...I'd choose a different suffering...I'm afraid that type would leave me paralyzed, emotionally especially.
Everyone lives through so many different types of suffering...financial, death, sickness, emotional, physical abuse, addictions, and on...and the thing of it is that we have to in order to carry out God's plan..and it is so that we all have different testimonies to share...and we all affect God's ultimate plan for the world and the people living in it. Through our sufferings and celebrations, we all affect one another in one way or the other...and it is how we live through these times that we affect one another. David, I believe set a good Godly example of suffering through the loss of his son...he did this type well. I believe he brought glory to God's name.
Thinking about Ezra's death brings another thought to mind...this suffering and what it would be like. I believe that suffering the death of a child would be hell...that's what I think hell would feel like only multiplied by 100 and never let up. Not one of God's creation deserves that...not even the murderer I saw on tv today who has gotten the death sentence (that's a whole other topic of which I won't discuss on here.) Because I do believe in God's creation of man...I believe that we all know good, and it's our choice...at least at some point in our lives it was/is our choice.
I want everyone to now Jesus so that no one has to ever experience that pain. I hope to never know what hell feels like here on earth because if I ever do, it means I've lost a child. I can honestly not think of a worse thing.
I look at the Matthews, they seem very successful, I believe the dad is some sort of computer guy...they seem to have nice things, technology, pool, they live in Tampa, I can't imagine that is a cheap place to live that comfortably...but I have something they don't...I have three beautiful children. And they will be scarred by the death of two children...I can't imagine that...I can't envy their material things.
But because of their story, I realize that. I realize what is important in life. I realize what is important for real. When I look at people in general...I don't want to look at what they have or don't have...I don't want to look at they way they act or don't act...I don't want to think about where they live or don't live...I don't want to think about what they drive or don't drive...I don't want to think about their looks/cleanliness/uncleanliness/their amount of exercise or lack of...I want to look at them for the people who they are...for the people that God has created them to be...I want to look deeper than any thing superficial. I want to know that they are my brother and/or sister in Christ...we have the same FATHER!
I was just telling my sister-in-law this weekend how important family is to me. I've sort of had my "ups and downs" with friends throughout my life, but my sister is my sister no matter what ever happens...we will forever have the same blood running through our veins...same goes for my in-laws and my nieces and nephews, and our parents...But hey...wait a minute...I want to take it back...let me take it back, because we all have been made by the same hands! But sort of here on earth I will keep my family the closest and I will forever take care of them...but let me not forget who we all belong to!! and that is not my mom and dad or my in-laws...it is God our Father!!
So, yes, sweet Ezra is no longer suffering, he got to see our Father this morning! How sweet! I'll finish on that note!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Christ was born a man today...
I heard this beautiful song today while I was listening to CHRISTMAS MUSIC!! Man, I love it! But it spared my thinking of something...
You know, I have these friends who don't believe in God or wouldn't say God is the "higher being" that is everyone's own interpretation...who are we to give him/her a name? If that is true, then how do you explain us being here on the earth? the miracle of babies, the miracle of experiencing life inside you as a woman and watching a mother's belly grow as a man? the miracle of how our human body functions...anatomy and physiology? what makes the leaves change colors or better yet that they know when the temperature changes they had better do something to prepare for the winter...and then in the spring they grow new leaves/life? or just in general...how the earth was formed and how seasons change, how the oceans waves are continuous...I mean I know that most of these things can be explained by science or at least tried to be explained by science...but honestly, if there were no changing of seasons, no ocean waves, no wind blowing, no rain falling from the sky, no babies made, our earth would be stagnant and it would die...God created ALL of this...He made us so that He was no alone and then He created everything else so that we could survive in this beautiful place HE made for us!! Ah...just a beautiful thought.
And I pray that in some way these things may be made known to those who don't believe. I pray that they will acknowledge God's awesomeness!! And see everything as a blessing and a purpose and know that He is in control of it all...and it's all for His glory and plan!!
Just a sweet thought I had while listening to that song this morning, because He came to earth the most beautiful thing about Christmas... and lived in this beauty that He created through His son who lived a sinless life...and then His Son died a sinners death for us so that we could be made new! and rose from the dead! God LOVES us!! and I am so thankful!! and I am so thankful that I have been raised in a family that taught me this. I pray that I am able to help those who were not as fortunate as I, that I can live a life that shows God's love so that they can want to recognize Him.
You know, I have these friends who don't believe in God or wouldn't say God is the "higher being" that is everyone's own interpretation...who are we to give him/her a name? If that is true, then how do you explain us being here on the earth? the miracle of babies, the miracle of experiencing life inside you as a woman and watching a mother's belly grow as a man? the miracle of how our human body functions...anatomy and physiology? what makes the leaves change colors or better yet that they know when the temperature changes they had better do something to prepare for the winter...and then in the spring they grow new leaves/life? or just in general...how the earth was formed and how seasons change, how the oceans waves are continuous...I mean I know that most of these things can be explained by science or at least tried to be explained by science...but honestly, if there were no changing of seasons, no ocean waves, no wind blowing, no rain falling from the sky, no babies made, our earth would be stagnant and it would die...God created ALL of this...He made us so that He was no alone and then He created everything else so that we could survive in this beautiful place HE made for us!! Ah...just a beautiful thought.
And I pray that in some way these things may be made known to those who don't believe. I pray that they will acknowledge God's awesomeness!! And see everything as a blessing and a purpose and know that He is in control of it all...and it's all for His glory and plan!!
Just a sweet thought I had while listening to that song this morning, because He came to earth the most beautiful thing about Christmas... and lived in this beauty that He created through His son who lived a sinless life...and then His Son died a sinners death for us so that we could be made new! and rose from the dead! God LOVES us!! and I am so thankful!! and I am so thankful that I have been raised in a family that taught me this. I pray that I am able to help those who were not as fortunate as I, that I can live a life that shows God's love so that they can want to recognize Him.
Monday, November 1, 2010
My heart...and well, it's not about me...
Since October 21st, I have been praying so hard for this little guy Ezra Matthews http://thematthewsstory.com/ he has neuroblastoma...a cancer that I'm pretty sure I've never heard of. Jamie Cline (a friend of mine from high school) posted this little guys website on her facebook (I've found a good point for facebook) and ever since she did, I cannot quite obsessing with it. I check it about 4 to 5 times a day. I pray like I've never prayed for another family before. I mean I've prayed for other families, but not like this...I get down on my knees...I pray and sort of plea with God, "Please show us your miracle! Heal this child. Give peace to his mom and dad. Wrap your arms around them."...and so on.
This sweet little child who is dying right now reminds me so much of my sweet little Will. And all I can think of is if this were one of my kids. How much it must hurt to see them hurt and they not understand what is going on, and see them be brave and suffer at the same time because they don't know any different.
And then my attention is turned to the parents. I can't even imagine the decisions they have had to make for their child. And the fact that when you have a child, as far back as the moment you find out you are pregnant with him/her all you can think about is their future and your future with them, holding them, kissing them, feeling their sweet arms around you, caring for them, loving them, experiencing different occasions with them, their school, their college, their marriage, their children, and so on...and you can't help but hope for those moments, even when you know the reality is that those moments are not promised. No one thinks about their child one day not being there beside of them. And I cannot imagine knowing that the possibility of that happening is stronger than not for the Matthews. And on the other side of these feelings is what if the child survives, what will life be like for him, what are the long term side affects of these drugs that they have poisoned my child with? But does that even matter because that child is still here with you?
I have gotten attached to several stories about children who have cancer, it sort of started in March of this year, first was Anna Brooks http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/annabrooks, lost her battle, then, Ellie Potvin, http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/Elliepotvin, lost her battle, little girl named Grace from Weddington, lost her battle...and now I have the privilege of being a little boy, by the name of Taylor Gibbs prayer partner at SouthLake, he's in Jessie's class...survivor!! in remission now since Spring of this year, http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/taylorgibbs, and a little boy by the name of Joshua Paryz, http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/joshuaparyz, who is right now battling leukemia, trying to get to a point of remission, and then this little Ezra Matthews, who's website I posted earlier in this message, fighting like crazy trying to just prolong life. My heart goes out to all of these families, those who have lost their sweet children and those who have watched their kids go through chemo and the horrible monster this cancer is. There has to be a cure out there somewhere!!
My question to myself and God, is why are these stories such huge impacts on my life...why can I not go an hour without thinking about them, especially Ezra because I know he is two, and his cancer is so progressed and he really is dying. I've googled neuroblastoma, and I haven't read about a kid surviving neuroblastoma stage 4 yet...not that it doesn't happen, just haven't come across the kid who survived it that late in the game...but it sounds like there is no cure for neuroblastoma, that there is only prolonging life. I just can't imagine the brick wall you just hit when you find out something like this about your child.
So, why has little Ezra's story impacted my life so much? I mean there are tens of thousands of kids dying of cancer every day. Why did God show me Ezra's story? Why has this particular story been brought to my attention? I wish I knew. Except this morning, I think I may have figured some of it out. It's not because God wants me to hug my kids today more than any other day. It's not because He wants me to be thankful that my kid doesn't have cancer (because let's face it, only He knows if one of my kids ever will have cancer, nothing makes me special that one of my kids won't have cancer.)
But I'm to have faith in God ALONE! I love Hebrews 11:1. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Pray for others, pray for them as I would pray for myself. Pray and have a heart for them as if they were my own because they are my brother and sister in Christ. Care for others! That has been my biggest lesson out of all these stories! Put others first, and I mean first! That is what Jesus did...I mean He died for me...God gave His SON for my sins!! For me, awful sinful me! (not that I think that bad of myself) Am I deserving of someone to die for? I mean, I know my mom or dad would gladly die for me, but what about a perfect stranger? Talk about grace. God's grace is unimaginable and that infinity sign would be beside his name! I truly believe that...His love for me goes on and on into the depths of space and back again. I am to love others the way Jesus loved others...which I fall so short of, but I can try my best.
Abraham was asked to sacrifice his only son, Isaac, his son that was promised to him and Sarah by God. Abraham never gave up on having a son because God promised him a son...even when Abraham and Sarah were WAY TOO old to conceive a child, he and Sarah became pregnant and the received that son that was promised so many years ago...talk about being faithful...Abraham and Sarah were perfect examples of Hebrews 11:1. Abraham, when Isaac was young man, was asked to sacrifice him, and he was ready and willing to do so. I can't imagine what that felt like...as I cannot imagine how it felt to God to sacrifice His only son. Talk about faith in Abraham's part and love and grace in God's part. Both sacrificed for someone else. God was deserving for the sacrifice of Isaac, but could I sacrifice or give up my son or daughter for God willingly? As I feel anyone who has to let go of their child and realize it is for God's purposes? And can I whole heartedly give someone else the grace that God has given me? I feel like that is what parents have to do when they let go of their child...give up their child for God's purpose. (not that we have a choice, but we do have a choice in how we handle/conduct ourselves when something like that happens.)
Those last two paragraphs, I believe are why God has laid on my heart so heavily all of these children and right now Ezra Matthew's story. Because I need to pray like there is no tomorrow for this family. I need to think about them over myself and my silly little petty issues. I need to get over myself and really think of others...others' lives...others' circumstances...because after all it's not all about me!! Life is not all about me!!!!
This sweet little child who is dying right now reminds me so much of my sweet little Will. And all I can think of is if this were one of my kids. How much it must hurt to see them hurt and they not understand what is going on, and see them be brave and suffer at the same time because they don't know any different.
And then my attention is turned to the parents. I can't even imagine the decisions they have had to make for their child. And the fact that when you have a child, as far back as the moment you find out you are pregnant with him/her all you can think about is their future and your future with them, holding them, kissing them, feeling their sweet arms around you, caring for them, loving them, experiencing different occasions with them, their school, their college, their marriage, their children, and so on...and you can't help but hope for those moments, even when you know the reality is that those moments are not promised. No one thinks about their child one day not being there beside of them. And I cannot imagine knowing that the possibility of that happening is stronger than not for the Matthews. And on the other side of these feelings is what if the child survives, what will life be like for him, what are the long term side affects of these drugs that they have poisoned my child with? But does that even matter because that child is still here with you?
I have gotten attached to several stories about children who have cancer, it sort of started in March of this year, first was Anna Brooks http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/annabrooks, lost her battle, then, Ellie Potvin, http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/Elliepotvin, lost her battle, little girl named Grace from Weddington, lost her battle...and now I have the privilege of being a little boy, by the name of Taylor Gibbs prayer partner at SouthLake, he's in Jessie's class...survivor!! in remission now since Spring of this year, http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/taylorgibbs, and a little boy by the name of Joshua Paryz, http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/joshuaparyz, who is right now battling leukemia, trying to get to a point of remission, and then this little Ezra Matthews, who's website I posted earlier in this message, fighting like crazy trying to just prolong life. My heart goes out to all of these families, those who have lost their sweet children and those who have watched their kids go through chemo and the horrible monster this cancer is. There has to be a cure out there somewhere!!
My question to myself and God, is why are these stories such huge impacts on my life...why can I not go an hour without thinking about them, especially Ezra because I know he is two, and his cancer is so progressed and he really is dying. I've googled neuroblastoma, and I haven't read about a kid surviving neuroblastoma stage 4 yet...not that it doesn't happen, just haven't come across the kid who survived it that late in the game...but it sounds like there is no cure for neuroblastoma, that there is only prolonging life. I just can't imagine the brick wall you just hit when you find out something like this about your child.
So, why has little Ezra's story impacted my life so much? I mean there are tens of thousands of kids dying of cancer every day. Why did God show me Ezra's story? Why has this particular story been brought to my attention? I wish I knew. Except this morning, I think I may have figured some of it out. It's not because God wants me to hug my kids today more than any other day. It's not because He wants me to be thankful that my kid doesn't have cancer (because let's face it, only He knows if one of my kids ever will have cancer, nothing makes me special that one of my kids won't have cancer.)
But I'm to have faith in God ALONE! I love Hebrews 11:1. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Pray for others, pray for them as I would pray for myself. Pray and have a heart for them as if they were my own because they are my brother and sister in Christ. Care for others! That has been my biggest lesson out of all these stories! Put others first, and I mean first! That is what Jesus did...I mean He died for me...God gave His SON for my sins!! For me, awful sinful me! (not that I think that bad of myself) Am I deserving of someone to die for? I mean, I know my mom or dad would gladly die for me, but what about a perfect stranger? Talk about grace. God's grace is unimaginable and that infinity sign would be beside his name! I truly believe that...His love for me goes on and on into the depths of space and back again. I am to love others the way Jesus loved others...which I fall so short of, but I can try my best.
Abraham was asked to sacrifice his only son, Isaac, his son that was promised to him and Sarah by God. Abraham never gave up on having a son because God promised him a son...even when Abraham and Sarah were WAY TOO old to conceive a child, he and Sarah became pregnant and the received that son that was promised so many years ago...talk about being faithful...Abraham and Sarah were perfect examples of Hebrews 11:1. Abraham, when Isaac was young man, was asked to sacrifice him, and he was ready and willing to do so. I can't imagine what that felt like...as I cannot imagine how it felt to God to sacrifice His only son. Talk about faith in Abraham's part and love and grace in God's part. Both sacrificed for someone else. God was deserving for the sacrifice of Isaac, but could I sacrifice or give up my son or daughter for God willingly? As I feel anyone who has to let go of their child and realize it is for God's purposes? And can I whole heartedly give someone else the grace that God has given me? I feel like that is what parents have to do when they let go of their child...give up their child for God's purpose. (not that we have a choice, but we do have a choice in how we handle/conduct ourselves when something like that happens.)
Those last two paragraphs, I believe are why God has laid on my heart so heavily all of these children and right now Ezra Matthew's story. Because I need to pray like there is no tomorrow for this family. I need to think about them over myself and my silly little petty issues. I need to get over myself and really think of others...others' lives...others' circumstances...because after all it's not all about me!! Life is not all about me!!!!
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