Epiphany...I need to look in the mirror!

Epiphany, "Sudden realization about the nature or meaning of something. An epiphany can often come about due to some experience that may trigger the sudden realization."

Man, last night I had one of these miraculous epiphanies and it was mind boggling. It just might be one of the first "real" epiphanies I have every experienced. I was taking a shower and hanging out talking to God...it's the one place I can be completely all by myself and all I have to think about is washing off, and I have been doing that all by myself since I was 5 years old. I'm pretty good at it by now. It's a completely brainless activity...perfect time to talk to God without interruptions.

Ta-da...the epiphany struck me, right there in the shower, as if I ran in to a brick wall.

I am going to have to ramble a little bit in order for you to understand how I came up on my epiphany/brick wall. Bare with me...

While in the shower, I was thinking about my day yesterday. It started off so rocky...Jessie has these sort of tantrums that are brought on by her clothes rubbing her skin wrong. She says that she has "tired skin" and it hurts her when the seams of her clothes rub her skin. It's awful! She screams like there are razors in her clothes cutting her skin. She has very real sensory issues. I literally had to throw my half dressed daughter in the van with Preston and shut the door...wish Preston luck, and just be thankful I was able to say good bye and walk away from her.

We punish her in so many different ways trying to see if one of the methods will work. But when that kid is having her tantrum, NOTHING works. We take things away that are really important to her, she doesn't care. On Christmas day, we took away all of her Santa gifts...it was awful. But it didn't matter. Yesterday we told her no dance classes (she loves dance!) She didn't care. She could not get over herself.

And when all of this happens, and I see that nothing can make her stop these tantrums except for giving her time...I throw my hands up and wonder where I have gone wrong.

Then my thoughts left yesterday's events and wandered off to the talk with her the other day after she had one of her tantrums and had calmed down. I told her how when we take things away and she still doesn't try to control herself, how it makes us feel like she doesn't appreciate the things we do for her. How it seems that she doesn't like the things we give her or anyone else gives her. I try explaining to her that her daddy doesn't make very much money and the things we buy her, like dance classes, clothes, special outings, are special for her to get to have and when we have to take them away because she cannot "try" to control herself, that it hurts our feelings and makes us not want to do things for her because she doesn't seem to appreciate them. (Now, this may be guilt provoking thoughts I'm feeding her, but trust me, I get desperate in hopes that I might say the right thing that might make the difference to make her want to try to control herself during her tantrums.)

BAM...right there, that thought, that memory of my conversation with her is what struck me so hard last night in the shower. I am a hypocrite!!

My mind raced back to yesterday morninging's quiet time... I hit the thought about forgiveness and God's grace...that's when it really was all laid out for me...God's amazing GRACE...How many times has God given ME something and no matter how beautiful and wonderful it is I am not appreciative? How many times? How many times has He given me these beautiful things that He gave me because He loves me so and how many times do I disobey Him despite these wonderful things He has given me. Thank God He hasn't taken them away.

Because right then at that point in my reflection, it struck me...How many times am I frustrated and ready to give up on being a mom? Many times!! And how many times do I handle my roll as a mom wrongly? Many times! I thank Him for His grace and mercy He shows on me. Right then, I realized that I needed to ask for forgiveness and be thankful for what I have!! Because no matter how bad I am or how unappreciative I may seem, those three little beauties are not something I am willing to have taken away from me. He can take anything else, just not them. And I'd like to keep Preston too! ;)

Talk about a brick wall...that epiphany struck me like a brick wall! And that was definitely an epiphany. I am so thankful that God showed it to me. I needed to see it. I also need to work on showing Jessie grace. I need to pray about how to show it to her that helps her. I pray that the next time I am about to judge someone, my own child or a friend, that I look in the mirror first before I judge them!!