Epiphany, "Sudden realization about the nature or meaning of something. An epiphany can often come about due to some experience that may trigger the sudden realization."
Man, last night I had one of these miraculous epiphanies and it was mind boggling. It just might be one of the first "real" epiphanies I have every experienced. I was taking a shower and hanging out talking to God...it's the one place I can be completely all by myself and all I have to think about is washing off, and I have been doing that all by myself since I was 5 years old. I'm pretty good at it by now. It's a completely brainless activity...perfect time to talk to God without interruptions.
Ta-da...the epiphany struck me, right there in the shower, as if I ran in to a brick wall.
I am going to have to ramble a little bit in order for you to understand how I came up on my epiphany/brick wall. Bare with me...
While in the shower, I was thinking about my day yesterday. It started off so rocky...Jessie has these sort of tantrums that are brought on by her clothes rubbing her skin wrong. She says that she has "tired skin" and it hurts her when the seams of her clothes rub her skin. It's awful! She screams like there are razors in her clothes cutting her skin. She has very real sensory issues. I literally had to throw my half dressed daughter in the van with Preston and shut the door...wish Preston luck, and just be thankful I was able to say good bye and walk away from her.
We punish her in so many different ways trying to see if one of the methods will work. But when that kid is having her tantrum, NOTHING works. We take things away that are really important to her, she doesn't care. On Christmas day, we took away all of her Santa gifts...it was awful. But it didn't matter. Yesterday we told her no dance classes (she loves dance!) She didn't care. She could not get over herself.
And when all of this happens, and I see that nothing can make her stop these tantrums except for giving her time...I throw my hands up and wonder where I have gone wrong.
Then my thoughts left yesterday's events and wandered off to the talk with her the other day after she had one of her tantrums and had calmed down. I told her how when we take things away and she still doesn't try to control herself, how it makes us feel like she doesn't appreciate the things we do for her. How it seems that she doesn't like the things we give her or anyone else gives her. I try explaining to her that her daddy doesn't make very much money and the things we buy her, like dance classes, clothes, special outings, are special for her to get to have and when we have to take them away because she cannot "try" to control herself, that it hurts our feelings and makes us not want to do things for her because she doesn't seem to appreciate them. (Now, this may be guilt provoking thoughts I'm feeding her, but trust me, I get desperate in hopes that I might say the right thing that might make the difference to make her want to try to control herself during her tantrums.)
BAM...right there, that thought, that memory of my conversation with her is what struck me so hard last night in the shower. I am a hypocrite!!
My mind raced back to yesterday morninging's quiet time... I hit the thought about forgiveness and God's grace...that's when it really was all laid out for me...God's amazing GRACE...How many times has God given ME something and no matter how beautiful and wonderful it is I am not appreciative? How many times? How many times has He given me these beautiful things that He gave me because He loves me so and how many times do I disobey Him despite these wonderful things He has given me. Thank God He hasn't taken them away.
Because right then at that point in my reflection, it struck me...How many times am I frustrated and ready to give up on being a mom? Many times!! And how many times do I handle my roll as a mom wrongly? Many times! I thank Him for His grace and mercy He shows on me. Right then, I realized that I needed to ask for forgiveness and be thankful for what I have!! Because no matter how bad I am or how unappreciative I may seem, those three little beauties are not something I am willing to have taken away from me. He can take anything else, just not them. And I'd like to keep Preston too! ;)
Talk about a brick wall...that epiphany struck me like a brick wall! And that was definitely an epiphany. I am so thankful that God showed it to me. I needed to see it. I also need to work on showing Jessie grace. I need to pray about how to show it to her that helps her. I pray that the next time I am about to judge someone, my own child or a friend, that I look in the mirror first before I judge them!!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Forgiveness...but first...
First off...I have not started my new blog...see, I should have never admitted to that...it hasn't happened yet. I am not a tech savvy person, therefore, one might call me a technophobe...pretty sure that would describe me accurately...or maybe not, because once I learn how to do something, I'll do it, it's just learning it, that's where my issues lie.
Anyway, with that off my chest, I can continue with what else is on my mind...
Forgiveness...it's sweet, but it's hard to give and sometimes hard to receive, and to me, it's even hard to really understand and comprehend...how exactly do you do it?...and just when I thought I understood it, I don't. To really forgive, one must really and truly and whole heartedly do it...so how is that done? And oh my goodness...don't forget that grudge you have been holding toward someone...you can't forgive them even if you think/know you are in the right if you don't confront them! You can't forgive them if they don't even know that you are upset at them...How can they even know you are upset? It's not fair to hold that grudge if you are not willing to put it out there on the table. There needs to be a "Sorry!" in order to forgive. See, it's very complex!!
Oh my goodness...I have been reading the most amazing book EVER. It's funny, I've always sort of stayed away from the "Max Lucado band wagon," but not any more. In the Grip of Grace, by Max Lucado, he gives one of the best explanations of forgiveness...Chapter 15.
Forgiveness has been on my mind for quite some time, about 6 months now. I know of this family that is sort of being torn apart by several acquisitions that are not true...although I don't know the specifics, this is what is being told to me by a very reliable source. It's one of those deals where someone is being wrongfully accused of something (again, this is all I know about the story.)
I've had a hard time being able to understand or explain to them about forgiveness. And man, Max Lucado has summed it all up for me.
You see, first this family needs to one on one discuss the matter...lay it out there...say what is being said...give and listen to both sides of the story...and then see what is left from the discussion..."sorry?," and then in turn, forgiveness? But you see, neither of these things can happen if the discussion never happens. All that will come of this is bitterness and a split up family. Sad (Matthew 18:15-20).
And then forgiveness comes in to play...but that can't happen until the "matter" is laid out on the table. Once that happens...if a "sorry" is not offered, then you have done what you can...but the cool thing there is that once that happens, you can let it go and know that you have done your best.
If a "sorry" is offered, then it's back in your court...forgiveness. The tricky thing here is to fully forgive. It's so cool. You see, when Jesus died on the cross, he died for ALL of our sins...the sins of us all. We are ALL sinners...he didn't just die for one or two of our sins either. He died for ALL of our sins. The sins we committed before we knew the law and became Christians and even those we are going to commit as Christians. And since we are all human, we all sin, therefore, we are all equal.
And when we forgive, we are not keeping tabs on our mercy and we are not calibrating our grace that we show towards someone...if we are doing these things we are not being merciful or gracious (Lucado, 152).
And a cool point that Lucado makes is coming straight from the bible, written in red print in my bible, which means these are the words of Jesus (Matt. 18-21-35). It's a story about a servant who asks his master to release him of his enormous debt...the master does so graciously. Then the same servant is asked by a fellow servant to be patient with him while he will try to repay his debt. The first servant demands the second servant be thrown in jail. Right after he (first servant) was just freed from his debt by the master.
The first servant never really accepted the grace that was given to him by his master. The first servant's "debt was far greater than his power to repay" (Lucado, 153.) And yet, the master forgave him. There was no way that the first servant could repay his debt because it was so great. And then the servant forgot the grace that was shown to him once he was asked to be patient on a payback...the first servant never gave his fellow servant a chance...and besides, how could he repay his debt in jail?
But must we all forget the debt that was forgiven when Christ died on the cross for us? He died for us all. Therefore, as Ephesians 4:32 states, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Strong words! Words that I pray God will engrave in my heart! They will be there forever. And truly there, to the bottom of their meanings. That they are not superficial words. They are words with true meaning, that I cling to. I need to forgive and have a merciful, and gracious heart, and mean it to the depths of my being.
As Hebrews 12:14-15 states, We are to make sure that we live in peace with men and that "no root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." Which in turn, means even more to me as a mom. I have little eyes who watch how I treat and love those around me. I need to make sure I do not cause trouble that causes my children or my non-Christian friends to stray or my Christian friends at that. It is a pretty big responsibility being a Christian. But I pray that I can be a vessel for God. I want to know that all of my friends will someday be in heaven when I am there or join me there, which ever happens first.
I am going to end with this awesome quote that I am taking from Lucado, the last paragraph in Chapter 15. The quote is about two World War I soldiers...a German soldier plunges into a shell hole and finds a wounded enemy who is dying. He helps his enemy take one last glance of his family as he dies. "Two enemies saw each other as humans in need of help. This is forgiveness. Forgiveness begins by rising above the war, looking beyond the uniform, and choosing to see the other, not as a foe or even as a friend, but simply as a fellow fighter longing to make it home safely."
Isn't that beautiful?!! I love it!! Just as much as I love the quote from Kyle Matthews, the gentleman whose 2 year old son just passed away, Exactly what I have been reading about in this book. I wonder if Kyle read it too?
These types of statements are what I am using to cling to (besides the bible of course) so that I can be the person who God wants me to be. It's a constant struggle sometimes between wanting to be human and worldly and to be a child of God. I feel that God, instead of molding me with clay, is chiseling me out of hard stone. It's amazing how hard it is for God to shape me, my stubborn self. And yet, He is the one who created us. He must love a challenge!! ;)
Anyway, with that off my chest, I can continue with what else is on my mind...
Forgiveness...it's sweet, but it's hard to give and sometimes hard to receive, and to me, it's even hard to really understand and comprehend...how exactly do you do it?...and just when I thought I understood it, I don't. To really forgive, one must really and truly and whole heartedly do it...so how is that done? And oh my goodness...don't forget that grudge you have been holding toward someone...you can't forgive them even if you think/know you are in the right if you don't confront them! You can't forgive them if they don't even know that you are upset at them...How can they even know you are upset? It's not fair to hold that grudge if you are not willing to put it out there on the table. There needs to be a "Sorry!" in order to forgive. See, it's very complex!!
Oh my goodness...I have been reading the most amazing book EVER. It's funny, I've always sort of stayed away from the "Max Lucado band wagon," but not any more. In the Grip of Grace, by Max Lucado, he gives one of the best explanations of forgiveness...Chapter 15.
Forgiveness has been on my mind for quite some time, about 6 months now. I know of this family that is sort of being torn apart by several acquisitions that are not true...although I don't know the specifics, this is what is being told to me by a very reliable source. It's one of those deals where someone is being wrongfully accused of something (again, this is all I know about the story.)
I've had a hard time being able to understand or explain to them about forgiveness. And man, Max Lucado has summed it all up for me.
You see, first this family needs to one on one discuss the matter...lay it out there...say what is being said...give and listen to both sides of the story...and then see what is left from the discussion..."sorry?," and then in turn, forgiveness? But you see, neither of these things can happen if the discussion never happens. All that will come of this is bitterness and a split up family. Sad (Matthew 18:15-20).
And then forgiveness comes in to play...but that can't happen until the "matter" is laid out on the table. Once that happens...if a "sorry" is not offered, then you have done what you can...but the cool thing there is that once that happens, you can let it go and know that you have done your best.
If a "sorry" is offered, then it's back in your court...forgiveness. The tricky thing here is to fully forgive. It's so cool. You see, when Jesus died on the cross, he died for ALL of our sins...the sins of us all. We are ALL sinners...he didn't just die for one or two of our sins either. He died for ALL of our sins. The sins we committed before we knew the law and became Christians and even those we are going to commit as Christians. And since we are all human, we all sin, therefore, we are all equal.
And when we forgive, we are not keeping tabs on our mercy and we are not calibrating our grace that we show towards someone...if we are doing these things we are not being merciful or gracious (Lucado, 152).
And a cool point that Lucado makes is coming straight from the bible, written in red print in my bible, which means these are the words of Jesus (Matt. 18-21-35). It's a story about a servant who asks his master to release him of his enormous debt...the master does so graciously. Then the same servant is asked by a fellow servant to be patient with him while he will try to repay his debt. The first servant demands the second servant be thrown in jail. Right after he (first servant) was just freed from his debt by the master.
The first servant never really accepted the grace that was given to him by his master. The first servant's "debt was far greater than his power to repay" (Lucado, 153.) And yet, the master forgave him. There was no way that the first servant could repay his debt because it was so great. And then the servant forgot the grace that was shown to him once he was asked to be patient on a payback...the first servant never gave his fellow servant a chance...and besides, how could he repay his debt in jail?
But must we all forget the debt that was forgiven when Christ died on the cross for us? He died for us all. Therefore, as Ephesians 4:32 states, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Strong words! Words that I pray God will engrave in my heart! They will be there forever. And truly there, to the bottom of their meanings. That they are not superficial words. They are words with true meaning, that I cling to. I need to forgive and have a merciful, and gracious heart, and mean it to the depths of my being.
As Hebrews 12:14-15 states, We are to make sure that we live in peace with men and that "no root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." Which in turn, means even more to me as a mom. I have little eyes who watch how I treat and love those around me. I need to make sure I do not cause trouble that causes my children or my non-Christian friends to stray or my Christian friends at that. It is a pretty big responsibility being a Christian. But I pray that I can be a vessel for God. I want to know that all of my friends will someday be in heaven when I am there or join me there, which ever happens first.
I am going to end with this awesome quote that I am taking from Lucado, the last paragraph in Chapter 15. The quote is about two World War I soldiers...a German soldier plunges into a shell hole and finds a wounded enemy who is dying. He helps his enemy take one last glance of his family as he dies. "Two enemies saw each other as humans in need of help. This is forgiveness. Forgiveness begins by rising above the war, looking beyond the uniform, and choosing to see the other, not as a foe or even as a friend, but simply as a fellow fighter longing to make it home safely."
Isn't that beautiful?!! I love it!! Just as much as I love the quote from Kyle Matthews, the gentleman whose 2 year old son just passed away, Exactly what I have been reading about in this book. I wonder if Kyle read it too?
These types of statements are what I am using to cling to (besides the bible of course) so that I can be the person who God wants me to be. It's a constant struggle sometimes between wanting to be human and worldly and to be a child of God. I feel that God, instead of molding me with clay, is chiseling me out of hard stone. It's amazing how hard it is for God to shape me, my stubborn self. And yet, He is the one who created us. He must love a challenge!! ;)
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