Who am I?

Who am I? This is something that most people ponder when they are in high school...not me...I'm wondering this now, in my 30's. I think I knew who I was in high school and some how I have forgotten. Somehow I have forgotten that strong self assurance.

Or did I know? Did my parents just mask who I was, as a child of theirs and that was enough? It was enough to be "Deedie, daughter of Ned and Debbie?"

My parents did a great job raising me. Throughout my entire life, it never mattered to me what others thought of me. Well, I'd be lying if I ever knew someone absolutely didn't like me or talked bad about me behind my back, but because I had the self esteem that I had, I don't think I ever thought anyone would think bad of me. I was pretty much always liked and very few people didn't like me, and nothing ever made me think other wise.

I think back on my past, I had every right to have a low self esteem, here are a few reasons why:

When I was in the 4th grade, I wore my headgear to school,...I can remember one kid making fun of me, but I totally was able to blow it off. I think I actually thought it was funny too. I can remember, it was Brian Pauly (wonder what has happened to him?,) and he said, "Earth to Deedie. Earth to Deedie." And it didn't matter, I continued to wear my head gear.

Then I can remember in the 5th grade, I got my hair cut...the Demi Moore 1980's style, and I looked like a boy. But once again, it didn't matter to me what others thought. Most people would be afraid to cut their hair off for fear of what they would look like...to me, it was just hair, if I didn't like it, it would grow back.

I can remember getting braces in the 7th grade, who cares.

I can remember once again, chopping my hair off in the 11th grade and looking quite special now that I look back in pictures, but I didn't care. I knew my hair would grow back if I wanted it.

I had a best friend from 7th grade until 10th grade and one day, she wrote me a note, breaking up with me. And we were inseparable during those years. It was a big deal, don't get me wrong, and I cried a lot. It broke my heart, but it didn't break me. I still knew who I was. And once I got over it, I got right back up went back to my life.

Finally 12th grade, I was a pretty little girl who had boys interested in me for the first time ever. I guess you could say, I finally blossomed, no braces, shoulder length hair, started wearing makeup...just cute. I didn't even know how to handle boys showing interest in me. I was mostly an ice queen...pretty mean, telling them that I wasn't interested or that I wasn't their type. I did have a boyfriend from the summer after 11th grade until I graduated and started college. That was the only boyfriend I ever had other than my husband. But boys didn't define who I was. Nothing defined who I was. I already had my mind made up. There was nothing wrong with me. I was who I was and I was happy with that.

So what changed in my 30's? Why did I all of a sudden have a crazy time trying to find myself? Was the definition I had of myself wrong? Maybe. But what I really think happened was I never really truly defined myself as a child of God. I was a child of my parents who loved me unconditionally. And now I realize that first I am a daughter of God and second a daughter to my mom and dad.

Now, I'm ready to continue my journey to develop a true definition of myself. One that will give me every right to be conceited and think high of myself...but because of God's craftiness, He's already shown me that it's not about me and how I view myself in comparison to everyone else, it's about the way He views me. But my in my relationship between He and I, I will know how much He loves me and thinks of me, and will show others how much He loves and thinks of them too. It's not about how worldly things here on earth define us, it's about how He defines us. He defines us all the same! We are His children.

I thank God for the blessing of being a parent and being a parent of more than one child. This experience has given me a glimpse of how much He loves me, because I LOVE my children. And because I have more than one child, I understand how you love all of your children with the same amount of unconditional love even though they are all different. And different is what makes our family so unique and awesome!

Until my next thoughts are worth jotting down...take care!